#1
first draft. i didn't feel like working on it anymore.

eighteen, ****er
work your kit
both ends swagger with
some rockstar spit
one shot two more
flex your teeth
to far, so far
i think your sick
bit down to hard
split the sun
and broke the pit
half mexican
load your barrel
aztec gold sank your gun
filled your gills hammer lung
ripped your tongue
along the width
kept pace lick your lips
smile and run with it
everything hurts
carver fish
ripper stabber
keep it lush
sharpen tip
you wrapped this
with plastic then popped
that shit, bathroom floor
thomas ragdoll
what the ****
carried you out
strapped you in
astronaut wonder kid
apologies wasted on me
like i cared anyway
what the ****
swagger with your bat
hope it sticks
keep it real, tie your shoes
and run with it
sharp knife break a leg
hope it's not deep
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
Last edited by miloh.core at Jun 27, 2010,
#3
Quote by miloh.core
thanks for the crit.
it was inspiring.


Did you just thank yourself for a crit?

This piece was not unlike your critiques - incoherent. At this point I'm fairly certain you just troll this forum for the hell of it.
#4
Quote by denizenz

Did you just thank yourself for a crit?
This piece was not unlike your critiques - incoherent. At this point I'm fairly certain you just troll this forum for the hell of it.

i did.
i'm sorry.
i'm incoherent.
inconsistent.
sharp as a marble.

but thanks for at least posting here.
at least someone took the little amount,
of energy and time to read it.
and trolling is such a loose term.


btw, i'm a fan of you shit.
man who writes about maize.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#5
give this place some time, people will get back at you eventually if you leave comments.

as for the writing itself, this felt kind of like rap to me. Regardless if it is or not, the best advice I think I can give you is to use internal rhyming instead of only end of lines rhyme. what I mean is your first 5-6 lines here seem very mechanical and although they rhyme, the flow is a bit too square to be really smooth and clear.

I realize this isn't done, but you definitely need a different ending. Perhaps even a direction in which you want to bring this piece or a finality towards which you want to bring it. make sure to sit down and define your intention with this. if you end up thinking you do not want any direction at all, then I'd suggest letting go of the rhyming or other restrictions and just explore where you can go with this.

hope this helps in some way,
take care
#6
Quote by circular.parade
give this place some time, people will get back at you eventually if you leave comments.
as for the writing itself, this felt kind of like rap to me. Regardless if it is or not, the best advice I think I can give you is to use internal rhyming instead of only end of lines rhyme. what I mean is your first 5-6 lines here seem very mechanical and although they rhyme, the flow is a bit too square to be really smooth and clear.
I realize this isn't done, but you definitely need a different ending. Perhaps even a direction in which you want to bring this piece or a finality towards which you want to bring it. make sure to sit down and define your intention with this. if you end up thinking you do not want any direction at all, then I'd suggest letting go of the rhyming or other restrictions and just explore where you can go with this.
hope this helps in some way,
take care

thanks.
their is no direction,
to my writing.
and i don't exactly seek improvement.
sounds stubborn, and probably stupid.
but compromising my style,
for clarity or for the acceptance of others,
is something i simply cannot do.
that being said i did like what you had,
to say. and will try moving in some other,
directions with my work. wet my palette and such.

if anyone was at all interested,
in wtf this was about.
my friend had his birthday party,
last sunday, and my friend thomas,
almost died on the bathroom floor,
from alcohol poisoning.
we had to take him to the hospital.
almost all the lyrics are inside,
jokes and metaphors which,
is why it is probably all but,
inconsistent mush to everyone else.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.