#1
your face pops open like an umbrella
every time I blink or rest my eyes
the moment I prefer the most
is the tiny transition between
dual realities, when I come to
expect the gentle pull and
other forces that
you are
beautiful like a naked god
electric hands moving fields
and hearts alike
with the innocence of a child
vraiment?

j'ai l'habitude des poèmes de soie,
de la foi envers le beau
pis toute pis toute
you remember Beaudelaire and the cutesy
les fleurs du mal
I remember his chapter on hashish
where he mentions feeling like haivng a dome
qui enveloppe la pièce d'une ferveur mieleuse
qui transforme les passantes,
crémeuses, en femmes de rêve
pale and smooth
freckles and cigarettes,
wearing nothing but a summer dress
the sweetness of the laissez-faire

somehow I manage
to open an umbrella
slowly and mechanically now
without any noise or burst or pull
that which I was fighting
is leaking from where I kept it
and envelops me like honey
and the only thing I can think of is
"this isn't how it's supposed to feel"
je suis en panne d'image
en panne de tout
le poème cesse d'être étanche
et tu entres partout
comme une jeune fille en robe d'été
I think of writing of quicksands
so that the next time you show up here
you get digested and transformed back
to what you were simply
the sublime poetic high
no more umbrella
no more rain
no more envy
Last edited by circular.parade at Jun 29, 2010,
#2
amazing.
best thing i've read all day.
very interesting concept,
that held together very well.
i am jealous of your thinking orb my friend.

the french was a nice touch.
(if it's french)
/word.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#3
you are so eloquent with your use of french and english. you have a true understanding of the air of both.


more later, I'll sticky this
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
i love how you dont rush through it. like the first stanza is just one moment really but its not forced out. it seeps out. really respectable writing mat. great to see you show it.

not speaking french (regrettably), im wondering how the transition between languages feels. i assume to someone whos fluent in both it just flows between them but i want to experience that haha
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
God, I love you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Yep. Fukkin beautiful. I don't like qui enveloppe la pièce/envelops me like honey. You may intend the word-play, but it reads like you got the envelope/wrap notion in your head and used it twice because you were playing with two languages. It feels careless to me, whether it actually was, or not. I can muddle through French, but I'm hardly fluent, so perhaps I'm being an ignorant American again. It happens.

peace
#8
Quote by jiminizzle


not speaking french (regrettably), im wondering how the transition between languages feels.


that's the main challenge really, and what I've been working on all year long with my project on many many pieces I never ended up posting here. the toughest part is being consistent in tone, even the phonetics will influence the voice in your poem, so when you switch from a language to another, you're kind of deconstructing what you had established previously. on the other hand though, if done well, I found the transitions can act as many tiny voltas. in any way, thanks for the words, it's good to hear from you man.

Nilchii, thanks for the words and suggestions, I'll consider wording adjustment. I can see your point.

cory, <3
#9
okay, more specific words

things I adored:
beautiful like a naked god
electric hands moving fields

crémeuses, en femmes de rêve
pale and smooth
freckles and cigarettes,
wearing nothing but a summer dress
the sweetness of the laissez-faire

somehow I manage
to open an umbrella
slowly and mechanically now
without any noise or burst or pull
that which I was fighting
is leaking from where I kept it
and envelops me like honey
and the only thing I can think of is
"this isn't how it's supposed to feel"


these lines specifically, and the piece as a whole, are so unbearably beautiful to read. really. the thoughts mixed in them, executed casually but still with class and wholesome intriguing images, it makes me want to punch something really haha
anyway this is beautiful, and I love the whole umbrella metaphor and the way it felt in my fingers when I read it. I hope whatever is giving you the qualms behind it is sorting itself out, but love's a funny thing, people are funny things, and we all need something to write about sometimes
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja