#1
Sup Everyone, this is my first time trying out writing lyrics.
it's basically about a dude gagging for his female to go down him.
They go to an upbeat rock style of music which my mate wrote.
any advice or criticism is welcome ?
Personally I think it rhymes to much has anyone got any techniques to get rid of this habbit.

Verse

Do you like it when you hit the floor?
Your top lip tingles as i shut the door,
the bedroom light doesn't fight the night away
your eye's shine like sun the on it's brightest day

Chorus

Take me home
You are Danger Prone
Cant you see
you need to GO DOWN ME

Verse

Red coloured shorts find there way down to the floor
take you to the to the beach we gona sleep the shore
looking up at the moonlight starry sky
please don't leave me, never say the word goodbye

Chorus

Take me home
You are Danger Prone
its a certinty
you need to GO DOWN ME


Cheers.
Last edited by WilsonMwi at Jun 29, 2010,
#2
The AABB rhyme does get a little old. but I've got to say, I do love the verse lyrics. I can kinda hear this being abit like Black Tide. One thing, if you're stuck for lyrics, don't use a cliche then make a forced rhyme on top of that. I find it upsets the flow. I'd like to hear how this turns out.
#3
Quote by Pyrest
The AABB rhyme does get a little old. but I've got to say, I do love the verse lyrics. I can kinda hear this being abit like Black Tide. One thing, if you're stuck for lyrics, don't use a cliche then make a forced rhyme on top of that. I find it upsets the flow. I'd like to hear how this turns out.


Cheers man, i'll try mix things up a bit and possibly get a rough recording when we smooth things over
#5
Quote by Pyrest
Sweet, message me when you've got that recording, yeah? ;D



will do, half the bands on holiday but i'll get back to you asap
#7
Quote by Pyrest
Have you got any other stuff recorded? I'd like to hear the style you play.



nothing at all mate, where a mix between blur, muse and blink 182.. as weird as that sounds
I took her out it was a Friday night
I wore cologne to get the feeling right
We started making out and she took off my pants
But then I turned on the TV


#9
I Really liked this. Some pointers about the cliché rhyming: I usually experiment with writing, writing in freeform, just one big mess which can give your songs an original sound if it doesn't have a set structure. Another pointer is, if you want to keep rhymes, use different patterns, and half rhymes E.g. use wors that rhyme with sounds, instead of going with words that are spelt the same. (Certainly rhymes with me . Bad example, but you get what I mean)

Basically, just experiment with outside the box ideas, and eventually you'll discover some original ideas One time, I made a song, by taking the first 1-2 words from every line on a page of a book Pretty avante-garde, I say

C4C ?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1331507
#10
Hey, nice one! Brief, but complete. It seems to be a good idea to make the music simple and precise as the lyrics are. Cat Stevens' "The wind" comes to my mind.

Cheers. Ace.

P.S. My thread.