#1
I've been reading Tao Lin again recently.

the boats are made of wood
and they sail until they forget
they are wood and sink.
i look in your eyes and
see the reflection of a sinking ship
but i can ripple it with a kiss
and see innocence and envy personified
as stuffed animals in a bedroom corner
or on a bed by someone sitting
alone.
it's going to take an extreme miracle
to make the person less alone
and stuffed animals are made of wood
and have forgotten they are ships.
the lonely persons writes the words:
'i am alone' while the stuffed
animal throws a winebottle
through a window and leaves.
the person listens to music and
can feel the world crashing onto him/her.
it is painful.
pain jumps through a broken window
and says 'you'll never do anything
that makes yourself happy' and
puts the moon and the music in a jar.
the ripples pull the wall from
the wood and you walk away.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jun 29, 2010,
#2
In line 6, is "will" supposed to be "with"? It doesn't really make sense otherwise.

As always, though, great stuff. I can see the Tao Lin influence here, and of course I love it. I have to go to class now, but I might come back later with more comments.
kill all humans
#3
As promised, I have returned, with more in-depth commentary!

the lonely persons writes the words:
'i am alone' while the stuffed
animal throws a winebottle
through a window and leaves.
That is my favorite part. It feels particularly Tao Lin-ish, which I obviously like, yet at the same time also very much 'your own thing', which I like even more because it means you are 'being influenced' rather than 'copying'.

The more I read this, the more I like it. It's got some beautiful subtlety, things I didn't notice the first time through. Mentioning things like a winebottle and a broken window and a jar add to that gorgeous bleakness. Woodenness. At first I didn't understand the wood, but now I think I do.

I also really like the impersonality that somehow makes it more personal and therefore depressing (have you read the story "Harrison Bergeron" by Kurt Vonnegut? It's kinda like that), which leads to my one big critique: I think that you should alter the fourth line somehow. Using "your" that early in the piece, specifying a person and someone exterior to the narrator, detracts from the impersonality that comes later. "the person" or "the lonely person" would I think be a lot better and more fitting if you eliminated that "your", and the "you" at the very end would become more powerful and significant since it would be the only one.

I miss having stuffed animals.
kill all humans