#1
mother lays in bed asleep
stomach pains
outside rains
bristi portheseh, abar
tik asseh, tik asseh

clouds and smog are steam outside
above the many lakes
trees in the littered garden
buildings here and there and here and there
and
there are no fields, only rooftops
on which the children play
tik asseh, tikasseh
they see the world today


this is not my mother's home
this is not my father's home
this is not the winding riverland in which their childhood grew
still, this is what I have of it, and the crows have all made do
making nests under the vents and finding bricks for morning dew
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
buildings here and there and here and there
and
there are no fields, only rooftops
on which the children play

I love this part.
I like where this goes, but it could be more imaginative.
#3
I really like the direction you're taking here. I always find works that are honest, genuine, based off of personal experience, and more importantly, experiences that are unique to the author, to be wonderful. The feel of the piece is great, and those snippets of what I assume is Bengali make for a great picture in my head.

It feels like the execution is sloppy in some places, though. Some of the phrasing seems far too hackneyed, and I really don't like the do/dew rhyme at the end. For me, this is a great work broken up by jarring bits here and there.

"outside rains" is the first line that bothers me. It doesn't really seem to do anything, or not enough to offset the fact that it is clearly there to rhyme with "pains". It doesn't seem to matter through the rest of the piece that it is raining outside, so the line doesn't seem necessary to me. If you wish, though, you can just chalk this up to me and the fact that I really, really, really dislike rhymes that seem forced.

"above the many lakes" just seems awkward. The phrasing made me stumble when reading it, and it kind of seems like a detail you wanted to include, but didn't really come naturally. The feeling I get from it now is "hey, there's lots of lakes there, and that's important visually" rather than actually having it fit as part of the imagery, which otherwise is just beautiful.

"on which the children play...they see the world today" feels way too sing-songish. The wording of the first half seems unnatural, like you're trying to copy they way a poet would have written a few hundred years ago. That's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact, I get a sort of Victorian/post-colonial feel from the piece as a whole (for some reason it made me thing of Rudyard Kipling). That said, the phrasing of that particular line feels more like a poor imitation, while the rest of the piece feels like an interpretation, with modern sensibilities interwoven with the throwback ideas.

The thing that bothers me most, though, is the final three lines. Actually, it's mostly the last line, which feels thrown in for the rhyme at the end. Like I mentioned earlier, "do/dew" really bothers me, especially since "grew" and "do" rhyme well without sounding forced. I would strongly suggest changing the last line, or perhaps leaving it out together.

I hope I haven't sounded too critical here. The reason I went this in-depth on my comments is because I think you've written something very good, with just a few things keeping it from being great, and perhaps the best thing you've written (at least looking at what I've read). I think I remember you saying once that you didn't edit poetry, but I think you should reconsider that position. With a few changes, this could be something you could get published in a magazine, or win an award or something.
kill all humans
#4
prothom part tar shathe ditiyo part tar ekta gap chilo

prothom part tate i thought it would be about people
then oita change hoye gelo suddenly (heavy to light thoughts)

but jai hoak , thanks for writing some about dhaka ,
#5
opne ki bangladesheh thaken? ami emne americateh thaki, dhaka eh amar khalara ar mamara thake

excuse my bangla, I'm brushing up haha
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
Hey! A song about Dhaka! True, it isn't the city of my childhood anymore...

lol, I was there last year, and I was going to write about dhaka's darkside, like from the undergrond nightclubs to the cheap weed of Kawran Bazaar to the complex intersocial lifestyle.. good reminder this!

oh and ha-ha! apnar Bangla kharap! :P
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#7
ok i felt its decent enough. the second line of verse1 was really bothering me! but i liked the last verse alot!! and yeah im a bengali too
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#8
so many bangali people here I just stayed there for 5 weeks, amar cousiner biyer jono
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
I grew up as a kid there. Skin aside, i'm an Aussie, lol
Don't buy Guitar Hero.
Buy Guitar Pro.


My Gear: (That I actually use)

ESP Edwards E-CY-165 CTM
Vox Saturator
Vox AD50VT
Vox Tonelab LE
Jim Dunlop Crybaby 535Q