#1
The beginning of a novel. I wrote this a little bit ago, and have random little chapters done for later on. This is the structure (or beginning) of the first chapter. I'm going to add a new first paragraph, to introduce the main character, I had one but then deleted it because I didn't really like it. I'll post the rest gradually through time.

[ Also, after seeing his Mercedes, I assumed that if he was indeed carrying only a lunch in his briefcase, it was probably steak or duck or something fancy that Mercedes owners would eat]). Anyways, they lived in a humble home a few blocks north of me. It had great big yellow shutters and a stained glass window on the peak of the house that I soon learned was the attic (more on the attic later).

I was only inside Raine’s house twice, once to meet her father, and once to venture into the attic she never stopped talking about. Usually we spent our days meandering about town, since neither of us had jobs, we meandered a lot. Raine always managed to find some sort of cubby, or spot in town we thought no one had even found before. Usually we found these secret places in the forest that lined the outside of the town. We didn’t know the name of the forest so we named it, “The Secret Forest”. We named it that to provoke a sort of mystery when we talked about it to our friends from our hometowns, no one really seemed captivated by the name though and found it to be a quite ordinary forest.

Algrala is a tour-isty town that very few people actually ‘live’ in. There are rows of houses lining endless lakes, yes, but they only find residency during the summer. There is only one neighborhood, the one that Raine and I lived in. This single neighborhood was decorated with century old trees and mailboxes that could barely hold themselves up, let alone hold stacks of bills and postcards and such. Why no one ever got new mailboxes, I’ll never know, I know my family didn’t because all our mail was sent to our “real” house in Milwaukee. I don’t know what everyone else’s excuse was, I guess I don’t really care to know either (I really do care to know though, pretending not to care is just something I do, and do very well. I mean, why not just spring for a new mailbox instead of finding your mail on the curb in the morning soaking wet because last night’s rain flooded it out of the mailbox?). Anyways, Raine’s house was the only house in the town that had a brand new mailbox. It was a simple black mailbox and it looked as if her father polished it every morning like people do with car’s or boat’s or whatever. Everyone on the street assumed he received very important mail, mail that deserved a beautiful home to sit in before its taken into another home and then eventually recycled (and then eventually made into another envelope that is mailed out again, only with a new stamp and new delivery address). I don’t know the reasoning behind Raine’s father getting a new mailbox, but it was beautiful, maybe the most beautiful thing on the street (except Raine of course, ha ha ha).

Raine moved to Algrala to live with her father because her mother had a boyfriend she couldn’t stand (I didn’t find this odd at first, until I found out her mother was actually dead). She said he tried to kiss her one night (tried to kiss Raine that is, I assumed he tried to kiss her (dead) mother all the time). She told me this the first time I met her, as if she was embarrassed to be in this town and needed an excuse. I mentioned how I come here every summer to get away from nothing. By nothing, I meant nothing. Summers in Milwaukee were awful in every sort of way. No one really moved much, at least not on their feet. My friends would park in parking lots and wait for nothing to happen and then go home happy knowing that indeed, nothing had happened, so their nights were complete with a sense of accomplishment they did so little to achieve. She laughed at this, I don’t know why, I didn’t find it funny. Maybe she knew that prior to her arrival in Algrala, my summers there were no different. I mainly just went in and out of shops, not to look at anything, but to find the perfect way to enter a building, and then the perfect way to exit one. The shop owners never really minded me going in and out of their stores at least 100 times every two minutes, except the ones that had a bell or chime that rang every time the door opened or closed, I learned quickly to stay away from those shops.

Upon Raine’s arrival to Algrala, I had never known a girl in town. There really were no girls that weren’t friends of my mother, and these friends weren’t so much girls, but women. I had seen a few girls vacationing two summers ago that were very pretty. I was working up the courage to go talk to them one day on the beach when an untimely wave rolled up and took the top of a swimsuit off the prettiest of the three girls. She looked at me flushed red, though it could have just been from sunburn and not embarrassment as she could have actually been very proud of her breasts and indifferent to me seeing them, I was embarrassed for her anyways and went home alone to masturbate.

That was it for my female interaction in Algrala, and anywhere really. I had never loved a girl. I ****ed a few, screwed one, and fingered a couple, but never loved or made love to one. Raine picked up on this right away. I was overly romantic almost instantly. She didn’t seem to mind though, and so I assumed naturally that she felt inclined to love me too. But then I felt inclinations are not for certain. Then I felt beside myself (I don’t know what that expression really means, as no one can really be ‘beside’ themselves). Then I felt a whole mess of things that I will attempt to explain gradually, most likely slowly, so you get the feeling that I don't really care (though, you know that I do).
Last edited by rushmore at Jul 3, 2010,
#2
Quote by rushmore
The beginning of a novel. I wrote this a little bit ago, and have random little chapters done for later on. This is the structure (or beginning) of the first chapter. I'm going to add a new first paragraph, to introduce the main character, I had one but then deleted it because I didn't really like it. I'll post the rest gradually through time.

[ Also, after seeing his Mercedes, I assumed that if he was indeed carrying only a lunch in his briefcase, it was probably steak or duck or something fancy that Mercedes owners would eat]). Anyways, they lived in a humble home a few blocks north of me. It had great big yellow shutters and a stained glass window on the peak of the house that I soon learned was the attic (more on the attic later).
the beggining seems kind of straight forward, however i liked the part where you said he wore a briefcase instead of carried one, maybe it was a mistake but it gives greater imagery the way it is

I was only inside Raine’s house twice, once to meet her father, and once to venture into the attic she never stopped talking about. Usually we spent our days meandering about town, since neither of us had jobs, we meandered a lot. Raine always managed to find some sort of cubby, or spot in town we thought no one had even found before. Usually we found these secret places in the forest that lined the outside of the town. We didn’t know the name of the forest so we named it, “The Secret Forest”. We named it that to provoke a sort of mystery when we talked about it to our friends from our hometowns, no one really seemed captivated by the name though and found it to be a quite ordinary forest.
nothing wrong here, nothing stood out though.

Algrala is a tour-isty town that very few people actually ‘live’ in. There are rows of houses lining endless lakes, yes, but they only find residency during the summer. There is only one neighborhood, the one that Raine and I lived in. This single neighborhood was decorated with century old trees and mailboxes that could barely hold themselves up, let alone hold stacks of bills and postcards and such. Why no one ever got new mailboxes, I’ll never know, I know my family didn’t because all our mail was sent to our “real” house in Milwaukee. I don’t know what everyone else’s excuse was, I guess I don’t really care to know either (I really do care to know though, pretending not to care is just something I do, and do very well. I mean, why not just spring for a new mailbox instead of finding your mail on the curb in the morning soaking wet because last night’s rain flooded it out of the mailbox?). Anyways, Raine’s house was the only house in the town that had a brand new mailbox. It was a simple black mailbox and it looked as if her father polished it every morning like people do with car’s or boat’s or whatever. Everyone on the street assumed he received very important mail, mail that deserved a beautiful home to sit in before its taken into another home and then eventually recycled (and then eventually made into another envelope that is mailed out again, only with a new stamp and new delivery address). I don’t know the reasoning behind Raine’s father getting a new mailbox, but it was beautiful, maybe the most beautiful thing on the street (except Raine of course, ha ha ha).
this was better than the last one, your writing seems really down to earth, and i like that. i also like how you discreetly like the reader know the main character has an interest in Raine.

Raine moved to Algrala to live with her father because her mother had a boyfriend she couldn’t stand (I didn’t find this odd at first, until I found out her mother was actually dead). She said he tried to kiss her one night (tried to kiss Raine that is, I assumed he tried to kiss her (dead) mother all the time). She told me this the first time I met her, as if she was embarrassed to be in this town and needed an excuse. I mentioned how I come here every summer to get away from nothing. By nothing, I meant nothing. Summers in Milwaukee were awful in every sort of way. No one really moved much, at least not on their feet. My friends would park in parking lots and wait for nothing to happen and then go home happy knowing that indeed, nothing had happened, so their nights were complete with a sense of accomplishment they did so little to achieve. She laughed at this, I don’t know why, I didn’t find it funny. Maybe she knew that prior to her arrival in Algrala, my summers there were no different. I mainly just went in and out of shops, not to look at anything, but to find the perfect way to enter a building, and then the perfect way to exit one. The shop owners never really minded me going in and out of their stores at least 100 times every two minutes, except the ones that had a bell or chime that rang every time the door opened or closed, I learned quickly to stay away from those shops.
no complaints here

Upon Raine’s arrival to Algrala, I had never known a girl in town. There really were no girls that weren’t friends of my mother, and these friends weren’t so much girls, but women. I had seen a few girls vacationing two summers ago that were very pretty. I was working up the courage to go talk to them one day on the beach when an untimely wave rolled up and took the top of a swimsuit off the prettiest of the three girls. She looked at me flushed red, though it could have just been from sunburn and not embarrassment as she could have actually been very proud of her breasts and indifferent to me seeing them, I was embarrassed for her anyways and went home alone to masturbate.
like i said, very honest and very down to earth. love it.

That was it for my female interaction in Algrala, and anywhere really. I had never loved a girl. I ****ed a few, screwed one, and fingered a couple, but never loved or made love to one. Raine picked up on this right away. I was overly romantic almost instantly. She didn’t seem to mind though, and so I assumed naturally that she felt inclined to love me too. But then I felt inclinations are not for certain. Then I felt beside myself (I don’t know what that expression really means, as no one can really be ‘beside’ themselves). Then I felt a whole mess of things that I will attempt to explain gradually, most likely slowly, so you get the feeling that I don't really care (though, you know that I do).




im not into literature at all really, but this piece was enough to keep me entertained. i liked the way you stayed down to earth and honest the whole time. cheers.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#3
I like this, it's quirky and rambling but still has movement to it. I think you could do without a lot of the parentheses... not the content within them, keep that stuff, but the actual parentheses themselves. Maybe it's just me but it makes the reader almost want to skip over them. Each bit is as important as the next in this and you might as well let them play on the same field.
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