#1

the sound of your breath under your voice
grew with the days,
and the sound of the cars
twisting down the highway behind our house,
fearfully hollowed
by the southern pines in our backyard,
found its way into my head
through everything forever and across all time,
and over the buzzing the days went by and i heard stories
of the new pioneers and of the mexican sun
and of the redwoods i marched through when i was young,
where cars will one day
rumble by but for now cant,
where i found an old rock
and held it in my hand,
where i hid it and hoped to find it again
when i was older, but now i am and
i still
can never find the time

so i sit on the earth and tell you about my day
my friends death my job and my minimum wage
I am an old man with nothing to do but wait
to see you and love you and pray time goes away
and you can be just once more alive and awake

but you, oh you,
hopefully you'll stay
at the place i go at the end of the day,
the dream of a leaf on the last tree that's left
of a boy whose heart grew too big for his chest.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jul 1, 2010,
#2
there is this "fairy-tale" feeling in here, or rather, it had a mythical quality to it. I think that partly because of the rhyme scheme, it reminded me of a children's story or something. additionally, lines like "a boy whose heart grew too big for his chest" and "through everything forever and across all time" gave it that sense of mythology too. i don't know, that's how i perceived it. but i loved the contrast here. you have a very lulling, rhythmic, sing-songy rhyme scheme going towards the end which, as i said, pertains to the "fairy tale" tone; however, the content is anything but "fairy-tale" material. you speak of a friends death, minimum wage, a job, etc so it created an interesting dichotomy. i may be reading into it too much though.

as far as suggestions, the stay-day rhyme in the final stanza really irked me, but that's about it. also, it should be "too" instead of "to" in the last line. really liked this though.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
I liked this; as a sucker for nostalgia, the words and theme appealed to me and had that kind of sad/fond reflection feeling.

I can't really figure out if it's a song or a poem, since the first half is very free-form and doesn't seem to have a particular rhythem, or if there is one it's not very noticable. The second half seems a lot more structured and song-like, though, both in meter and rhyme. Depending on your intention for this, you may want to shift a few lines or parts of lines to fit into a more defined structure.

I think it's the nature imagery and sensory description that might be giving Subway the mythical vibe. I may not have gotten that impression if I didn't see his(?) reply first, but having read it, it did come across.

Personally, I liked the second half more than the first, because it was a bit easier to follow in how it was arranged and because it just appealed more to me personally. The feel of the..song/poem seems to change at the line with the "old rock", before that it's more abstract and full of sensory details whereas after it gets more into the wistful type stuff.

Whether it's a song or a poem, and whatever your intention might've been for this piece, I liked it, you definitely write well. I'll watch for more from you
#4
Quote by jiminizzle

the sound of your breath under your voice
grew with the days,
and the sound of the cars
twisting down the highway behind our house,
fearfully hollowed
by the southern pines in our backyard,
found its way into my head
through everything forever and across all time,
and over the buzzing the days went by and i heard stories
of the new pioneers and of the mexican sun
and of the redwoods i marched through when i was young,
where cars will one day
rumble by but for now cant,
where i found an old rock
and held it in my hand,
where i hid it and hoped to find it again
when i was older, but now i am and
i still
can never find the time

"where cars will one day rumble by but for now CAN'T". the can't seemed a little awkward and messed with the flow of things i think. liked the rest of this though.

so i sit on the earth and tell you about my day
my friends death my job and my minimum wage
I am an old man with nothing to do but wait
to see you and love you and pray time goes away
and you can be just once more alive and awake

im torn on this. the transition from line 4 to 5 seemed a little broken up and didn't flow that great, otherwise, i think i really like this part.

but you, oh you,
hopefully you'll stay
at the place i go at the end of the day,
the dream of a leaf on the last tree that's left
of a boy whose heart grew too big for his chest.

beautiful ending.


this all seemed quite whimsical and fairy taleish. i really liked it, its good to read you again.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1332366

that is my latest piece of writing, a beginning to a novel (novella) maybe that i started working on. read it or don't, your words are always appreciated.
#5
Beautiful. I liked the commas in the first and third stanzas, and I liked your eschewing them in the middle reverie.

However, it struck me as incongruous that you didn't apostrophize "can't" (especially as the word "cant" without the apostrophe has a different meaning altogether). Also, if you wanted to be correct in the first stanza (you were everywhere else), the clause "and i still can never find the time" functions as an independent clause, so it should have a comma before the conjunction.

peace