#1
Hello.
This one's for a song, so the rhymes may be weird sometimes. And it also would be my debut here.


When sad red beaty leaves the ball
And seal those dirty doors behind her,
She takes her tears along with her,
So everyone can`t help but miss her.

Then snowflakes fill the liquid air
And solve the acid of street lights.
Sweet lady, please, come in and share
Your pleasant smile of snow white.

Come shiny dressed, my lady Winter
And paint the sky in lead red glow.
Come dance with me, my dear Winter
Those cold long nights from dusk till dawn.

Ace.
#2
I'm not really sure what to make of this one, I think mostly because it's a short song and it starts a bit abruptly. I don't wanna come off lame here or severely misinterpret your lyrics, but I got a Cinderella kind of vibe here (the movie, not the band, although come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea since it's a rock ballad).

The imagery is good, and the ideas are interesting, I haven't seen ones like this before. My favorite verse was the first one, those last 2 lines did it for me, I think they make a strong impact.

My suggestion would be to add a couple verses, maybe a bridge and/or chorus (depending on if you want one) to flesh out the ideas and theme. Unless there would be long instrumental sections, or the verses would be repeated (ala "Nothing Else Matters"), 3 verses is a bit short for a rock ballad anyway.

Interesting, and pretty good, just expand on it some. Nice job, Ace.
Quote by DukeDeRox
Obviously you got this.
#3
Thanks!

Well, the song itself depicts my love for a kind of winter nights when the weather is still and thick snowflakes fall silently... So it just can`t be too deep or broad.
I have the music for the song done except for the solo. I have the notes and tabs and probably I`ll record it some time soon. It has some decent simple moves to spread the atmosphere, it also has an intro guitar solo part, so yes - its shortness is pretty outweighed by the music.
Can`t wait to get it done for you guys to listen to.

Cheers. Ace.
#4
It's good for what it is, but from a lyrical perspective, I was just getting into them and then BAM, done. So, I was a little disappointed in the length, but if you say it fits in the actual song, I'd love to hear it.
Poop.


Yes, poop.
#5
I feel it may need a bridge or something of that nature to help complete it; it doesn't feel finished to me. Other than that, I really like the work, and one of the only things that sticks out would be the first stanza; ending the last three lines with "her" feels awkward to me.
#6
Thanks, herby.

Well, the bridge is intended to be some kind of vocal impro on the chorus verse. And yes, the "her" thing looks strange unless the second one is sang to meet "ball". Thats what I was talking about in the first post. Doesn`t seem to bother when sung though.

Cheers. Ace.
#7
When sad red beaty leaves the ball
And seal those dirty doors behind her,
She takes her tears along with her,
So everyone can`t help but miss her.


It is a bit strange to end 3 lines with "her", but considering it's a ballad most people probably wouldn't notice because of the tempo (if it's like most ballads). I like the "can't help but miss her."

Then snowflakes fill the liquid air
And solve the acid of street lights.
Sweet lady, please, come in and share
Your pleasant smile of snow white.


This works well. Sure the lyrics sound like a disney movie, but it's solid. The line of solving the acid of the street lights is thought provoking, even in a ballad.

Come shiny dressed, my lady Winter
And paint the sky in lead red glow.
Come dance with me, my dear Winter
Those cold long nights from dusk till dawn


It's simple and kind of reaffirms the last verse. Not much to critique on here, it appears to be the chorus right?

As for having to add more...I wouldn't say you'd have do any of that. Knocking on Heavens door is a perfect example of having two verses and a chorus and I consider a ballad (not g'n'r -Dylans.). Granted this song isn't really deep compared to that. It's a good work all in all. It'd be nice to hear the music to this and how it'd be sung.