#1
Who doesn't know hard times?
And what gives me the right
To sing about mine?

Send me your songs,
I want to hear your heartache,
I want to know the ways you died inside.

Black cats and
Broken glass
I've been walking under ladders
And all other sorts of unlucky things.

I've lost more races
Than I've ever ran.
But I'll be damned
If I didn't go in
With the best intentions.

Send me your songs,
I want to hear your heartache,
I want to know the ways you died inside.

Black cats and
Broken glass
Where do I get off
Saying I'm worse off than you?

I'm gonna drown in my tears
I'm gonna flood the whole damn world.

Everyone will know,
Or my time's been wasted.

Black cats and
Broken glass
I've been walking under ladders
And all other sorts of unlucky things.


Not the actual title. Just don't feel like posting something called untitled.

Ah, and if you read it, please just say something real quick. Even just a spare thought helps, you don't have to do a detailed breakdown of every stanza.

And I'll c4c, if that's what you're into, just ask.
Last edited by Matt Doreen at Jul 2, 2010,
#2
Might I suggest "Black Cats and Broken Glass" for your title? I liked it.
#3
That's not a bad suggestion at all, thank you. More likely than not, my band will name it after whatever inside joke comes up the most next practice, but that's one I'll definitely keep in mind. Thank you for taking the time to read it, and I'm glad you liked it.
#4
As a poem, this is great; it's well written, and clearly shows some thought behind it.

However, as a song, it's questionable; the flow may not work so well as sung lyrics. For example, the fourth stanza, being five lines, looks like it might not fit in the flow of a song.

As I said though, the words and imagery themselves are well done; I like it.
#5
I like it better as a song than a poem, personally, but I understand the bit you mentioned. It just seemed like the most even way to split the lines, it fills up the same space as the first stanza.

Thank you for saying that, and thank you for the crit. I'll be seeing ya.
#6
Black Cats and broken glass is a really catchy line. The majority of it has a good flow to it and doesn't seem too forced either. I'd tweak "the best intentions" to "good intentions", just seems to flow better, although I don't know how you're singing it so that's just my thoughts.

The first lines really draw you in and the rest keeps me engaged. I think it works well together. I'm assuming what is the bridge throws me off a bit, but it doesn't make me dislike it. Good work.
#7
Catchy's a goal I'll always shoot for. I think good intentions would be at least a suitable replacement, I can at least picture it fitting in there, thanks for the suggestion. Thanks for the comments on my flow.

I'm glad I can keep you interested. The bridge in the actual composition was written sort of to throw you off, so I guess I'd call that a success, too. Thank you for the crit.
#8
I like this song. I can imagine it being some sort of alternative or hardcore song lol. The only thing I would change is where it says:

Send me your songs,

I would change "Send" into "Sing". Just a personal opinion. You can't send a song (to me). It's all poetry without music. One part I really liked was:


Black cats and
Broken glass
Where do I get off
Saying I'm worse off than you?
#9
It's kind of a bridge between hardcore and alternative. Alternative plus break downs.

I get what you say with that. And in a lot of ways that makes more sense, but I personally like the way send feels. Thanks though, and thanks for critiquing me.
#10
Lol so post-hardcore? My favourite :P

You got it. Return the favour? I'm still wanting some feedback on my piece