#1
The ocean breathes into my fears
Replying I love you too my dear
But I have got to say

The ocean breathes into my life
My salty eyes and fishing twine
My hairs a sticky mess

The ocean, it breathes into me….
The ocean breathes oh so furiously…

The ocean breathes into my hope
Saying you can quit the dope
And I say, sorry sir I’ve never smoked

The ocean breaths though my death
No matter what is left unsaid
The thoughts run wild

The ocean, it breathes into me….
The ocean breathes oh so calmly …

The ocean, it breathes into me….
The ocean breathes oh so calmly…
Oh so calmly

Anyone got any suggestions on how to mix up the rhyme or rythym so its not so boring?
edit And i plan on working with the chorus cause right now it sucks and i really just threw one in there to go with the verses.
Quote by Lt. Shinysides
so what you're saying is that, after getting out of the water naked with 5+ guys, you thought that once the girls were around you had better get some clothes on?

.......
Last edited by TheHobbit at Jul 2, 2010,
#2
Don't know about criticizing other peoples lyrics, as there's no right or wrong. I'd lose the dope part though, as I don't understand why it's there, written by someone whos never even smoked it. Other than that I don't know as I don't know what the music is like. Everything starts with "the ocean" though, perhaps that could get boring? I don't know. I wouldn't put much weight in my criticism though. Hope it turns out well in the end. If you're happy with it then it's all good.
#3
Quote by Radiomorph
Don't know about criticizing other peoples lyrics, as there's no right or wrong. I'd lose the dope part though, as I don't understand why it's there, written by someone whos never even smoked it. Other than that I don't know as I don't know what the music is like. Everything starts with "the ocean" though, perhaps that could get boring? I don't know. I wouldn't put much weight in my criticism though. Hope it turns out well in the end. If you're happy with it then it's all good.


Yeah... I'll lose the dope part. It was the first thing in my head that flowed and fit the ryhme scheme. I'm not set on the chorus so i'll take "ocean out of it".

edit: I think ive made the decision to maybe start with the ocean idea, and then move from it as the song goes on. Cause I think i could do more moving through ideas rather than staying stuck on one.
Quote by Lt. Shinysides
so what you're saying is that, after getting out of the water naked with 5+ guys, you thought that once the girls were around you had better get some clothes on?

.......
Last edited by TheHobbit at Jul 2, 2010,
#4
I'm not sure what your ideas were for turning this into a song, but if you took out some of the lines and didn't worry about a chorus, you could really easily turn this into a prog-rock style very atmospheric piece just focusing on the ocean and maybe what its riffs and solos might sound like. Like, abandon typical song stucture and just make this kind of a chant with a build-up?
my ideas are always probably going to deviate from the original creative direction, but this is what popped into my head.
#5
Quote by IROn 5L1nKY
I'm not sure what your ideas were for turning this into a song, but if you took out some of the lines and didn't worry about a chorus, you could really easily turn this into a prog-rock style very atmospheric piece just focusing on the ocean and maybe what its riffs and solos might sound like. Like, abandon typical song stucture and just make this kind of a chant with a build-up?
my ideas are always probably going to deviate from the original creative direction, but this is what popped into my head.


I was going for an indie-folksy sound, i have some of it worked out. I possibly like the idea of a build up though. I think it would be pretty easy to do and could sound good.
Quote by Lt. Shinysides
so what you're saying is that, after getting out of the water naked with 5+ guys, you thought that once the girls were around you had better get some clothes on?

.......