#1
Because of significant events that have occured for the past year, i feel as though i have developed BPD. heres my story, and i would like to know what you all might think, and maybe any advice.

My mom died the past november. she was sick with cancer for 3 years; stage IV colon cancer, she was diagnosed when i was 13. Ill be turning 17 in september. I did not out about the seriousness of her cancer and was left in the dark, up until and including her death. During the time of her illness, it was during the last half of my football season for my high school team, and being a key player on the team and an athlete for all of my life, Football season is a huge deal, especially since this was my first year starting on the varsity team as a sophomore. I was in a transition stage of my life, from spending alot of time with the older kids, smoking weed after practice, going to parties with these guys, etc etc, i guess really moving into the stereotypical teenage jock kind of life. the quick onset of my moms sickness and death (she only started to feel sick 3 weeks before she actually died) left me so shocked that i never really took the time to cry, think about, or get upset about. there were a few times that she would try to sit me down so we could have, i guess, a final talk, and i flat out rejected her and told her that she was going to be fine, and left the room. The behavior of avoidance continued after her death, which is when wrestling season started. Wrestling is one of the most tolling sports on ones health, and on top of my mothers death, i was forced to lose 25 lbs for wrestling, still go to practice every single day (6 days a week, 5 days if we had a tournament that weekend), and let me be the first to tell you, practice is hell, especially going to a powerhouse school in a state like PA, one of the finest in the country for this sport. The smoking of weed after practice continued, but it developed into much, much more.

At this point, i am living completely alone on a daily basis. my dad works from 2-11 every day, my brother works until 1030 everyday, and i would come home from practice around 6. living alone in your house during the winter, which has always made me slightly less good spirited, after such an event was impossible for me. i was genuinely afraid of my house, and being alone. Even more, i was given the freedom to do absolutely anything i wanted to everyday. i had no restrictions on anything; the sudden freedom, combined with the losses and the developing drug problem, put me into alot of bad situations. At this point, i was lying to my dad everyday as to what i was doing, and he was at work, so he had no way to catch on to what i was up to. I had numerous kids in my house everyday after wrestling and we would just sit in my room and smoke pot and then go out and sell drugs. The selling turned into robbery. It turned into armed robbery. I guess i kind of consider this my initial response, or coping method, to my moms death, just doing something that required alot of thought and time spent thinking about it to keep my mind off of the real issue. and the drugs helped that as well.

Then, the spring started, and wrestling ended. At this point, im weighing 180 lbs, after weighing 210 in november. some of that weight was from having to lose it for wrestling, the rest was just from not being able to eat enough food, through lack of money. My dad began to catch on to the drug problems, and at first, i let him yell at me and i took it the way i was expected to as a kid. after being caught with drugs about 5 times in march, i spent all of april and may trying to correct my issues with them. I had very little success, until i met this girl, whom i went to prom with. that night was the last night i have taken any drugs, excluding tobacco. it has been over 50 days now i believe. Me and this girl have been having a pretty serious relationship, having sex and whatnot. she is a year or so older than me, great student, smart, good decision maker, etc etc.

Now, although i have gotten myself out of the criminal life, i have more issues than i did during that time period. me and my dad have been fighting, alot. fist fights, breaking shit in the house, punching in doors, shattering windows, everything. We have fought over very unimportant things, and some important things. most of the fights start because i feel as though that i should be treated so that i can make my own decisions, because that is how i have been forced to live for the past 8 months, and my dads previous lack of awareness or involvement makes his current involvement more irratating and interrupting. So i have had alot of issues with my dad over the past few weeks, which have only added to my issues.

My girlfriend caused me alot of stress before we started having sex, and i still feel some of the baggage from that. the details are unimportant in this case however.

anyway, now that you can begin to understand what i have been going through, here is how i have been feeling about everything.

I experience extreme mood swings. I do not like spending time with anybody, besides my brother, who is 18, my girlfriend, and myself. I become steadily more upset and paranoid and develop all sorts of rational conclusions the longer i am isolated to only my thoghts. i ignore facts and act on suspicions. However, i love going to practice and working out and all of that. I just hate social settings with people who i dont feel super close to. I have lost alot of friends since i quit smoking and whatnot, because thats all i would do with my friends when we hung out...thus why i feel so alone most of the time, and why i do not know how to spend time with most people unless we are doing drugs.

I am very defensive and have a hard time admitting im wrong. I have always been that way, but it has intensified. I snap at people very quickly, however i am always checking myself to make sure i am not showing anger or doing anything to create a stressful interpersonal relationship. at the same time, i am excessively paranoid and have great issues trusting people, and part of me wants to express these thoughts, while the other part of me tries to filter them and prevent them from causing a confrontation.
I am always angry. there is a rage inside of me that i cannot contain. this is the source of all of my paranoia and suspision and worries inside of me. however, this anger has become my sole source of motivation, and i worry about how i would change without it. it sort of comforts me, yet i am unsure why.
Little things really iratate me. i get excessively angry when things dont go my way. i find myself apologizing alot, and feel guilty that i put people through all of my little antics. being an alphamale kind of guy and personality up until my mom died, these feelings of dependence and neediness and womanly emotions torment me and worry me.

what do you think?
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#3
I didnt read it all the way through but...

Cool Story Bro...

Okay now some advice, Get a Therapist to help you and sort this out, they are more qualtified then the Pit to be honest
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#5
Cool story bro.

Personality disorders are really subjective, one of the clinical definitions is "abnormal behavior," which can mean whatever you want it to mean.
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#6
You know the pit can't diagnose mental illness from a giant wall of text?

Go see someone who can if you want.

EDIT: Smoking weed does not constitute a 'drug problem.' Any 'addiction' you think you feel isn't chemical and isn't even comparable to cigarettes. You're selling and stealing because you want to.
Last edited by ApeWeevil at Jul 2, 2010,
#7
I read all that Really see a therapist.
Impossible is just a word people say to make themselves feel better when they quit.
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#8
Quote by exect4500
The Pit as a whole is not a specialist in this field, I would consult a therapist.


This.

Even if I did read the OP, I'd end up saying this.


Oh, and for good measure.
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#9
Quote by Xter
I didnt read it all the way through but...

Okay now some advice, Get a Therapist to help you and sort this out, they are more qualtified then the Pit to be honest

exactly this.

but technically everyone has some form of a 'personality disorder' but its usually a problem when it hinders you from doing certain thing but definately go a psychiatrist, they'd be able to diagnose and help you if you need it
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#10
i swear i believe im the only one who read this through.

but you're just on the heavy side of a loss. It happens way to often. someone leaves who has a high control rate and suddenly that main force is taken away. Leaving everything that wholly/partially operated with said person begins to lose it to some degree as they now have a sudden change an much more responsabilities theyve never had before.
i feel you mate.

and all you tl;dr ppl. shut up and read.
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#11
Wow....talk about a rough go. Sorry to hear about all this. I don't know much about this disorder you mentioned, but I'll help however I can. First off, I think you should see a doctor. Not some cheap ass psychiatrist. Either a family physician at your next check up, for money reasons, or if you can, get a vERY GOOD psychiatrist. Now, glad to hear you got out of the crime and whatnot, but with your social situation, how much do you talk to your girlfriend about this? Like, how you don't like large social events and stuff.....she can probably help more than anyone, other than your borther. I'm assuming he witnesses all these fights with your dad. How does he feel/react? And part of it will come with time because of your mom's recent death.

One more thing: as cliche as it may sound, do you use music as your escape at all? Personally it helps me deal with tough times, but I don't know about you. Are you on summer break? I feel like school wil get you more used to being around other people and less longing for isolation. Honestly, I think your brother is the most powerful person in the situation. He can't let these problems go, and needs to step up and help bring you and your dad together.

Hope I helped some. Good luck man.
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#12
I wouldn't go as far to say a personality disorder more that your just suffering from a bad situation at a hard time in your life.

Hope things get better man, you sound like a good guy who doesn't deserve this
#13
Read it all.

Serious stuff man...sounds kinda like me after my dad freaked out on my family and we left. Therapist helps.

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#15
Quote by wizards?
*reported*

I actually have BPD, but I'm not going to go through and read all of that.


do you think your some kind of tough guy or something? sorry that i compelled you to click on this forum and reply. i would love to meet you in person tough guy. i would just love to.

@gatechballer...my brother was on senior week during all of the fist fights and other assorted nonsense.
futball season and football season.
#16
Quote by MLmaster37
do you think your some kind of tough guy or something? sorry that i compelled you to click on this forum and reply. i would love to meet you in person tough guy. i would just love to.


You asked a question that pertains to a medical diagnosis. The pit is not a doctor/psychiatrist and if they made a "diagnosis" and you did something to get yourself hurt by say getting your hands on medication to try and supress said illness and you ended up hurting yourself, you could sue the site. Therefore it is against the rules to ask for some kind of medical advice.

That and it is actually quite rude to expect people to read that much, honestly you could have at least summarized it at the end.

And also, quit the tough guy act, it doesn't get you a thing around here. You've been here long enough, you should know that by now.
#17
When I think BPD, I think Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction.

You probably have an illness of some sort, but, srsly, seek help from a psychologist/psychiatrist.
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#18
Quote by gatechballer
Wow....talk about a rough go. Sorry to hear about all this. I don't know much about this disorder you mentioned, but I'll help however I can. First off, I think you should see a doctor. Not some cheap ass psychiatrist. Either a family physician at your next check up, for money reasons, or if you can, get a vERY GOOD psychiatrist. Now, glad to hear you got out of the crime and whatnot, but with your social situation, how much do you talk to your girlfriend about this? Like, how you don't like large social events and stuff.....she can probably help more than anyone, other than your borther. I'm assuming he witnesses all these fights with your dad. How does he feel/react? And part of it will come with time because of your mom's recent death.

One more thing: as cliche as it may sound, do you use music as your escape at all? Personally it helps me deal with tough times, but I don't know about you. Are you on summer break? I feel like school wil get you more used to being around other people and less longing for isolation. Honestly, I think your brother is the most powerful person in the situation. He can't let these problems go, and needs to step up and help bring you and your dad together.

Hope I helped some. Good luck man.


That's the best reply I've seen so far, I say go for what this man has suggested in his post. But on topic sorry to hear about everything going on, I hope things work out for you soon. All the best


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#20
Really thought it would've ended with the Fresh Prince. I was severely disappointed.

TS, go see a psychiatrist.
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#21
I read the whole thing, and all i can say is 'wow'.
Judging from your admitted monetary status, i would say you may not be able to afford a therapist, if you had troubles paying for food.
While i agree that a forum full of idiots is not what you need, you do need some sort of help.
Problems like this can lead to very serious issues if left unchecked.
I am no therapist, but i have seen friends of mine with similar situations, loss of a mother, fights with their father, etc, and they are not stable at all.

Best of luck to you man, i really hope you can find some help, i really do.

Try to channel some of your emotions into music, as it really is a productive outlet.
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Last edited by Shaggy_420 at Jul 2, 2010,
#22
To answer your question directly, it hasn't been a long enough period since the loss for a diagnosis but the typical symptoms are present. The truth is a diagnosis isn't going to help your situation, but I'm sure your goal is to figure out why you feel the way you do and how to initiate change. The good thing is you came here, and got all this off your chest. Your next step is to talk to your dad, your brother, and your girlfriend and express how your really feel. That's going to be hard, because unlike the people here, their opinions matter deeply to you.

I lost someone in a similar manner that you did. I had a friend kill himself and in the weeks preceding treated him the way you depicted treating your mother. I didn't cry when I found out and just felt empty and as if the whole occurrence was surreal. I know, it's rough, and I hate to tell you this but you're never really fully recover. This happened to me over six years ago, and have spontaneous moments where I become overcome with the emotions and break down.

There's no magic solution to fix what happened, only acceptance. Once you've accepted what happened and that it's in the past, you can move on with your life and be happy with who you are. The reason you don't want to be around people is because you're subconsciously afraid of losing anyone you become close with you because you never want to feel that pain again. Death is a natural part of life. It's not your fault your mother died, she had cancer, neither were the events leading up her death, but I'm sure there's a little voice in the backing of your head telling you it was. I know I did. You have realize you made a mistake, acknowledge it, realize it's a part of life, and know that wherever your mom is she wants you to be the best that you can be.

Next time your together, apologize to your dad. Even if you don't feel you mean it. Sit down with him and talk with him man to man. Explain how you feel. Try to look at it from his perspective. He must have gone to hell and back by now, and now that's it's just you and him it's a different, frightening world. But you're in this together. How would you feel if your dad passed away and this was what your last moments were like? Don't take anything granted, or as you know you may regret it. Spend each moment of your life making the world a better place for the people you love. Don't be afraid of anything accept missing opportunities. This will be a tough period of your life, but it'll only make you stronger. Live your life as if your mom was watching you, she very well may be.
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