#1
EDIT: I redid the chorus. Wasn't ever quite feeling it before.

Been trying my hand at songwriting a bit more lately, biggest issue seems to be ideas. I like to think I'm an alright writer once I've found one. Most of the songs I write I throw out, heh, don't consider the theme good enough. Let me know what you think of this!
Not sure if that's a working title, by the way.


-
I'm not a prince in Elysium
I don't sound much like Montague
I don't know why I'm expected
to be them for you

You came here wanting me
To be more than myself
But I don't know how to be
Anyone else
And if that's not good enough for you...

Chorus:
I haven't bound you to a stone
Just like life this isn't a permanent home
I can't let you control my life
It's mine and mine alone

Homer doesn't take notes on my person
No one says hail to this chief
I turn around and see no crowds
swooning over me

Sure no rating system calls me perfect
But I try very hard to be
I've never wronged you in any way
You can't call me a cheat
But if that's not good enough for you...

(Chorus repeat)

But if you still think I walk on water
Mix nectar in with my wine
Then maybe, maybe, maybe
We've still got a bit of time
-


Any criticism is welcome. =)
Quote by Minion2580
What are some things I should do to make sure I don't touch the wrong thing and die?


Gears:

Vox AC30HH +Avatar 2x12
Martin D-35 Dreadnaught
Carvin CT6T
Last edited by glemnar at Jul 3, 2010,
#2
Good but I just did not read into them that well. I relate to what I think your trying to say, but the lyrics aren't that clearn. 5/10 for a rating.
#3
I thought this had some great ideas, I just felt myself stumbling over the sentences and form. You need to tighten up your flow and structure so that it ebbs along a little easier.
#4
Do you mean it doesn't flow as in you're not quite sure how it would flow within a song, or the actual lyrical flow is missing some logic? I have it, roughly, set to music, and the flow makes sense there (which I will post once I have a chance to make a recording).
It's not written out quite how it's sung, because I wrote it before I tart putting it to music, haha.
Quote by Minion2580
What are some things I should do to make sure I don't touch the wrong thing and die?


Gears:

Vox AC30HH +Avatar 2x12
Martin D-35 Dreadnaught
Carvin CT6T
Last edited by glemnar at Jul 3, 2010,
#5
I'm not hearing music. I can't magical imagine the lyrics in a musical fashion. I'm saying that it doesn't have flow as a piece of writing, as that is what it is at this moment; that is how you posted it.
#6
Alright, I understand what you're saying now. That makes complete sense. I was primarily wondering whether you mean that lyrics seemed actually disjointed (I.E. "Non sequitur" lyrics) or whether it from the visual/singsong sort of flow.

I've only started really writing some songs recently, and I've noticed that it's a massive shift even from something so similar as poetry. I realize that, in written form, it's impossible to see exactly what I have in my head, of course.

Thanks for letting me know though, I'll be sure to consider it when I'm fitting the lyrics into music.
Quote by Minion2580
What are some things I should do to make sure I don't touch the wrong thing and die?


Gears:

Vox AC30HH +Avatar 2x12
Martin D-35 Dreadnaught
Carvin CT6T
#7
Glemnar, what he means by it has no flow, even with music the lyrics have to flow together or else it will sound like your reading out of a book. It needs rhythm is what he is trying to say, and I completely agree with him. I would not pay money to listen to this song because I do not relate to the lyrics and it has no rhythm.