#1
C4C.

As the day dies so do I,
making my exit through the cracks of your lies,
I didn't think at all today,
but I'll be dreaming tonight.

The flavor of love,
rests right on my tongue,
and all the glass shards,
fall right into splinters.

A social encounter atom bomb,
provides the pieces for my arsenal,
a million pieces of blistered shrapnel,
help me build the gates to my own hell.

Medicated with the warmth of sleep,
river runs south, north is too deep.

[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]

Your killing me much slower than bullets,
the only diamond with that many character flaws,
heavens just a a lie away,
heavens just a line away,
afterwords you love to lay awake,
you taste just like your name,
you taste just like your name,

I masturbated for nothing,
littering tears atop the ground,
your better sorry than safe and sound,
I masturbated for nothing,
Jesus is crying,
I masturbated for something.

[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I stole this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I sold this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I broke this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I beat this.

[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
Last edited by Ir a+infinitive at Jul 3, 2010,
#2
Quote by Ir a+infinitive
C4C.

As the day dies so do I,
making my exit through the cracks of your lies,
I didn't think at all today,
but I'll be dreaming tonight.
Your choice in structure is interesting; it gives it a quite poetic feel, and gives the imagery room to breathe.

The flavor of love,
rests right on my tongue,
and all the glass shards,
fall right into splinters.
No complaints here.

A social encounter atom bomb,
provides the pieces for my arsenal,
a million pieces of blistered shrapnel,
help me build the gates to my own hell.
You've made interesting choices as far as the rhyme scheme so far; the imagery itself is well written.

Medicated with the warmth of sleep,
river runs south, north is too deep.
I can't say I entirely understand the last line here; however, the stanza still sounds nice.

[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]
The rhyme scheme after the first two lines is a bit hard to follow; however, the words themselves are well written, and I especially like the first two lines.

Your killing me much slower than bullets,
the only diamond with that many character flaws,
heavens just a a lie away,
heavens just a line away,
afterwords you love to lay awake,
you taste just like your name,
you taste just like your name,
No complaints.

I masturbated for nothing,
littering tears atop the ground,
your better sorry than safe and sound,
I masturbated for nothing,
Jesus is crying,
I masturbated for something.
The "masturbated for nothing" lines are lost on me; I don't see what your'e going for.

[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I stole this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I sold this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I broke this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I beat this.
Definitely no complaints here; it also makes it obvious which instrumental piece these lyrics are meant for. :P
[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]
I can't say all the imagery is easy to grasp, and some of the rhyme schemes are less than graceful, but overall, I like it; it's well written.
#3
Quote by herby190
I can't say all the imagery is easy to grasp, and some of the rhyme schemes are less than graceful, but overall, I like it; it's well written.


yeah, i was trying to go for a much more metaphoric approach then i usually do. also the "I masturbated for nothing" lines seem like they would be hard for anyone but me to understand. there is meaning behind them though. i didn't just feel like throwing masturbation in there... :P well i'm off to crit yours, thanks man.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#4
Quote by Ir a+infinitive
C4C.

As the day dies so do I,
making my exit through the cracks of your lies,
I didn't think at all today,
but I'll be dreaming tonight.

i really like the line ' i didn't think at all today'. it struck me in a lot of different ways. 'cracks of your lies' is a little cliche and bland, but it works i suppose.

The flavor of love,
rests right on my tongue,
and all the glass shards,
fall right into splinters.

first two lines are decent enough, they provide insight to the rest of the piece. 'glass shards' is again, a little cliche (I.E. broken glass, splinters, ect).

A social encounter atom bomb,
provides the pieces for my arsenal,
a million pieces of blistered shrapnel,
help me build the gates to my own hell.

the gates to my own hell is a great idea and great line. but again, million pieces of blistered shrapnel is kind of a boring image leading into such a great idea.

Medicated with the warmth of sleep,
river runs south, north is too deep.

nice.

[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]

very nice, really enjoyed this.

Your killing me much slower than bullets,
the only diamond with that many character flaws,
heavens just a a lie away,
heavens just a line away,
afterwords you love to lay awake,
you taste just like your name,
you taste just like your name,

'you taste just like your name' again is an exceptional line. the first two though, are a bit rough and straightforward, mainly the 2nd one. its just unappealing to read/hear/whatever.

I masturbated for nothing,
littering tears atop the ground,
your better sorry than safe and sound,
I masturbated for nothing,
Jesus is crying,
I masturbated for something.

this is blah. the way you use masturbated is a bit cheap and cheesy, it helps again give insight to the character, but in a very informidable way.

[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I stole this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I sold this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I broke this.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I beat this.

'broke' and 'beat' are a little elementary i think, typical overused actions. i like the rest of it though.

[Chorus]
It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.
[Chorus]


i think you have a lot of great one liners in here, but there seems to be a lot of filler. i think you're onto something definitely though, and was quite impressed.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1332366
heres my latest piece, part of a novel i am starting. its long so feel free just to say good or bad or something.

keep writing, please.
#5
Quote by rushmore
i think you have a lot of great one liners in here, but there seems to be a lot of filler. i think you're onto something definitely though, and was quite impressed.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1332366
heres my latest piece, part of a novel i am starting. its long so feel free just to say good or bad or something.

keep writing, please.


nah, i will give you a full crit.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#6
I didn't think at all today,
but I'll be dreaming tonight.


I enjoy this, the thought of not thinking until you go to sleep is pretty interesting.

Medicated with the warmth of sleep,
river runs south, north is too deep.


This flows really well and is quite catchy.

It isn't that bad if your blind and desperate,
human interaction on the top of your death bed,
pulling off the blind fold,
jumping of the scaffold,
pulling off eyelids,
breathing in warms fists,
you really swallow down.


This brings so much imagery to mind. Going with desperate and death bed is a really nice touch. Sure it's not a true rhyme, but it's unique and memorable. The last 3 lines don't flow with any rhythm I can think of in my head, but the lyrics stick in the back of your mind regardless. And as I repeat it, it some how works.

Your killing me much slower than bullets,
the only diamond with that many character flaws,
heavens just a a lie away,
heavens just a line away,
afterwords you love to lay awake,
you taste just like your name,
you taste just like your name,


This seems very symbolic. Of what, I'm not sure, but it works and I like it.

I masturbated for nothing,
littering tears atop the ground,
your better sorry than safe and sound,
I masturbated for nothing,
Jesus is crying,
I masturbated for something.


The only thing I got from that was maybe...donating sperm. The lines are a bit odd and I'm sure you didn't throw it in for shock value because it in no way seems like that. It's interesting.

I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I stole this.
etc.

I like this. Gives the sense of invention, and what better to invent than even the idea of an emotion. Pretty decent, a bit out there for some people, but good. The lines I didn't critique, the other guys pretty much got it for me.
#7
"I want to give birth,
to the idea of solace,
tear apart action,
I want you to know that I beat this." I love this and the chorus the most.
The only thing is, i think it seems a little long winded, like, it just keeps going... But that may just be an optical illusion, because all the verses/stanzas are relativly short... As usual, your adjectives are amazing...