#1
The title's currently a work in progress, that's what I have for now. This piece was designed for a post-rock kinda feel (think along the lines of Godspeed You! Black Emperor or Mono), with this as a spoken word dialogue throughout the track. (Example; this kinda thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS2BrxcWWZA)
Be as brutal as necessary


To become more than this creature I abhor.
To earn my right to live;
To deserve this.

To lay you down, and run my fingers through your veins,
Our bones joining, becoming one.
For us to sleep for eternity, at peace, at each other's sides.
To feel just once more.

To steal back the pain I caused,
The doubt I cast,
And the grief I injected.
To redirect this from all those effected innocent,
And replace it - within me.

To save all those without a purpose,
Without meaning or direction.
All that have been betrayed,
Downtrodden,
Disillusioned,
Abused.

To leave behind all those that care,
To pluck myself from their memory,
Along with the hurt I brought.
To crawl outside in the dead of night -
Into the cold,
The dark,
The rain -
Where the moon simply stares,
And to be alone in my time of need,
In my hour of dying.

To burden no longer.

For these are the desires of a broken man.

Thanks for reading
Last edited by SonOfSanguinus at Jul 4, 2010,
#2
Quote by SonOfSanguinus
The title's currently a work in progress, that's what I have for now. This piece was designed for a post-rock kinda feel (think along the lines of Godspeed You! Black Emperor or Mono), with this as a spoken word dialogue throughout the track. (Example; this kinda thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS2BrxcWWZA)
Be as brutal as necessary


To become more than this creature I abhor.
To earn my right to live;
To deserve this.

To lay you down, and run my fingers through your veins,
Our bones joining, becoming one.
For us to sleep for eternity, at peace, at each other's sides.
To feel just once more.

I think this removing the word just would make this more powerful.

To steal back the pain I caused,
The doubt I cast,
And the grief I injected.
To redirect this from all those effected innocent,
And replace it - within me.

I would remove the word "back" on the first line, "and" on the third line, and change effected to affected.

To save all those without a purpose,
Without meaning or direction.
All that have been betrayed,
Downtrodden,
Disillusioned,
Abused.

I'd consider moving disillusioned above downtrodden, that way your syllables decrease evenly.

To leave behind all those that care,
To pluck myself from their memory,
Along with the hurt I brought.
To crawl outside in the dead of night -
Into the cold,
The dark,
The rain -
Where the moon simply stares,
And to be alone in my time of need,
In my hour of dying.

To burden no longer.

For these are the desires of a broken man.

Thanks for reading


Very nice, I like the choice of words and metaphors. It creates a discernible image of self loathing and regret projected onto oneself.
#3
A fairly common topic, atleast in my experience. There are some great sentences but i think it requires some more refining to create more flow before it can be complete, it has great potential.
Faded Smile

C4C??

Proud supporter of the magical F*** you pixies
#4
Thanks for the crit Much appreciated!
I think this is great, the disjointed form, the repetition of the phrasing "To ..." and the more unusual syntax choices make it seem rather ethereal, which would fit really well into a post-rock sound.
I like the word choice and metaphors used, and although self-loathing maybe kinda common topic, you've delivered it in a very strong and touching way.

The only refining I can see this needing is if it needs to be altered to flow better with the music, but apart from that, it's great.