#1
I posted this up a while back, but I've made a fair few changes since then.
It's for an aggressive funk rock song, from a similar vein of RATM/RHCP sorta stuff.

All critique is most welcome, and I will C4C, just post something in your reply


An Edit now I have got the music together:


Hide and seek, you tell me not to peek, cos if i do it will spoil the suprise.
I found it deep, beneath the kitchen sink, next to bottle that was labelled with goodbyes.
Another look, a tattered comic book, within a graphical description of your lies.
A fatal mistake, the kind you'll never shake, off your back you know it signals your demise.


One. More. Chance.
One more Try.
One. Last. Word.
One last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.

Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.
Affection to Revulsion you choke on your tongue
Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.
Affection to Revulsion I choke on your tongue

Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.,
Affection to Revulsion you choke on your tongue.
Dead hearts smoke you blew me away.,
Affection to Revulsion I choke on your tongue
Mouth sewn shut you ain't got nothing to say.
You cough up the words, you choke on your tongue,
Carved on your grave, they're there to stay
Stuck in a hole, you've got nowhere to run.


The cold air drifts my final breathes reflection in your eyes.
My final move defines and proves deception in your Lies.
My. Last. Word.
My last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.


You gotta... Y’ You gotta kick up a storm.
Black hair screams you gotta break from the norm.
It’s throat is sore, but it holds it’s form,
You gotta... Y’ You gotta kick up a storm.

My heart smoulders.
These dead shoulders
Can't hold this back.
Much longer.

Your eyes reflect, you mind rejects the words on my last breath.
The final word defines and proves I will avenge my Death.
One. Last. Word.
One last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.

*(You gotta kick up a storm)


So Dance you Mother****er Dance.
One last *Dance.


Take it.
__________________
Last edited by benonbass1 at Oct 11, 2010,
#2
Quote by benonbass1
I posted this up a while back, but I've made a fair few changes since then.
It's for an aggressive funk rock song, from a similar vein of RATM/RHCP sorta stuff.

All critique is most welcome, and I will C4C, just post something in your reply


Hide and seek, you tell me not to peek, cos if i do it will spoil the suprise.
I found it deep, beneath the kitchen sink, next to bottle that was labelled with goodbyes.
Another look, a tattered comic book, within a graphical description of your lies.
A fatal mistake, the kind you'll never shake, off your back you know it signals your demise.
a very strong start - I like this stanza a lot, especially the rhyming system

One. More. Chance.
One more Try.
One. Last. Word.
One last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
The "One. Last. Dance" was a good choice for a hook, and fits in well with the rest of this stanza - a good continuation.

Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.
Affection to Revulsion you choke on your tongue
Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.
Affection to Revulsion I choke on your tongue
Mouth sewn shut you ain't got nothing to say.
You cough up the words, you choke on your tongue,
Carved on your grave, they're there to stay
Stuck in a hole, you've got nowhere to run.
I think the third "you choke on your tongue"is too much here; it interrupts the flow, and makes you sound repetetive. Other than that, another solid stanza.

The cold air drifts my final breathes reflection in your eyes.
My final move defines and proves deception in your Lies.
My. Last. Word.
My last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
I really like the first two lines, and the rhyming used in them. Good use of the "One. Last. Dance" hook again.

Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.,
Affection to Revulsion you choke on your tongue.
Dead hearts smoke you blew me away.,
Affection to Revulsion I choke on your tongue
You gotta... Y’ You gotta kick up a storm.
Black hair screams you gotta break from the norm.
It’s throat is sore, but it holds it’s form,
You gotta... Y’ You gotta kick up a storm.
This is a lot better than the other stanza - in this one you've kept the first four lines, and then moved on completely in the second four. Really good stanza here, especially in the rhyming.


Your eyes reflect, you mind rejects the words on my last breath.
The final word defines and proves I will avenge my Death.
One. Last. Word.
One last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.

*(You gotta kick up a storm)


So Dance you Mother****er Dance.
One last *Dance.


Take it.

and an excellent ending. No complaints from me, other than those few minor things I previously mentioned. Very good work, and a great song.

Thanks in advance,
HG xx

If you would be so kind as to C4C, it would be greatly appreciated. All the best. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24602152#post24602152
#3
An Edit now I have got the music together:


Hide and seek, you tell me not to peek, cos if i do it will spoil the suprise.
I found it deep, beneath the kitchen sink, next to bottle that was labelled with goodbyes.
Another look, a tattered comic book, within a graphical description of your lies.
A fatal mistake, the kind you'll never shake, off your back you know it signals your demise.


One. More. Chance.
One more Try.
One. Last. Word.
One last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.

Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.
Affection to Revulsion you choke on your tongue
Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.
Affection to Revulsion I choke on your tongue

Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.,
Affection to Revulsion you choke on your tongue.
Dead hearts smoke you blew me away.,
Affection to Revulsion I choke on your tongue
Mouth sewn shut you ain't got nothing to say.
You cough up the words, you choke on your tongue,
Carved on your grave, they're there to stay
Stuck in a hole, you've got nowhere to run.


The cold air drifts my final breathes reflection in your eyes.
My final move defines and proves deception in your Lies.
My. Last. Word.
My last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.


You gotta... Y’ You gotta kick up a storm.
Black hair screams you gotta break from the norm.
It’s throat is sore, but it holds it’s form,
You gotta... Y’ You gotta kick up a storm.

My heart smoulders.
These dead shoulders
Can't hold this back.
Much longer.

Your eyes reflect, you mind rejects the words on my last breath.
The final word defines and proves I will avenge my Death.
One. Last. Word.
One last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.

*(You gotta kick up a storm)


So Dance you Mother****er Dance.
One last *Dance.


Take it.
#4
Quote by benonbass1
An Edit now I have got the music together:


Hide and seek, you tell me not to peek, cos if i do it will spoil the suprise.
I found it deep, beneath the kitchen sink, next to a bottle that was labelled with goodbyes.
Another look, a tattered comic book, within a graphical description of your lies.
A fatal mistake, the kind you'll never shake, off your back you know it signals your demise.
^^Really love the begining

One. More. Chance.
One more Try.
One. Last. Word.
One last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.

Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.
Affection to Revulsion you choke on your tongue
Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.
Affection to Revulsion I choke on your tongue

Attraction to Repulsion you can't keep me away.,
Affection to Revulsion you choke on your tongue.
^^Dont see any use of putting these 2 lines here too but that's up to you
Dead hearts smoke, you blew me away;
Affection to Revulsion I choke on your tongue
Mouth sewn shut you ain't got nothing to say.
^^"haven't" instead of "ain't" would be better
You cough up the words, you choke on your tongue,
Carved on your grave, they're there to stay
Stuck in a hole, you've got nowhere to run.


The cold air drifts, my final breathes reflect in your eyes.
My final move defines and proves deception in your Lies.
My. Last. Word.
My last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.


You gotta... Y’ You gotta kick up a storm.
Black hair screams you gotta break from the norm.
It’s throat is sore, but it holds it’s form,
You gotta... Y’ You gotta kick up a storm.
^^Dont understand this at all,feels like it dropped out of nowhere, but that could just be me...
My heart smoulders.
These dead shoulders
Can't hold this back.
Much longer.

Your eyes reflect, you mind rejects the words on my last breath.
The final word defines and proves I will avenge my Death.
One. Last. Word.
One last Lie.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.
One. Last. Dance.

*(You gotta kick up a storm)
^^I think ending it here would be just fine

So Dance you Mother****er Dance.
One last *Dance.


Take it.

Overall I enjoyed it

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1366544

EDIT Editing in the changes in the original post would be better than posting the edited post in the reply section (I almost didnt see it)
Last edited by BloodCold at Oct 1, 2010,