#1
i haven't written in weeks, trying to get back into it i guess.

graduation programme 1957-2010: you drove me home and we didn't say anything.

i sat still like laika and
drifted around the years, the post-success story
of some metal sphere you loved and let hang
in your sky, only i had words i wrote
in the fog of my breath on the window
while its bedroom trophies were packed into boxes
and stored in our attic.

i saw your eyes when i glanced at the mirror,
like those of the guilt-struck scientist with
the thick russian accent, unable to sleep and
staring through his skylight
to mull over comets and apologies like
"i'm so sorry for how it ended
with you or sputnik II."
#2
i love 'some metal sphere you loved'. i liked where you are heading with the ending, but the 'sputnik ii' rhyme didn't do anything for me/.
#3
you remind me a bit of rushmore, not in your style but in your string of thoughts. this piece was very nice in the entire theme it had, the eeriness of space and the distance attuned to it being connected with a person close to you... the brevity works well with it.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
I feel like I can sort of sympathize with the whole 'trying to get back into it' thing. I know the feeling when the words just won't come out the way that they're supposed to. It's frustrating. And I feel like I can sense that frustration here a little, as if things aren't quite falling into place how they're supposed to, like you're playing tetris and you need a straight piece and you keep waiting and waiting for the straight piece but it doesn't come and when it finally does you've already attempted to plug the hole with something else and your game is ruined.

Not to say that this is 'ruined' though. I don't mean that. I love your writing, and I like this one a lot. It just doesn't have that spark, that pulse that your pieces normally have. The idea itself is something wonderful. It made me think a lot and I like it, I think it's clever and insightful and imaginative at the same time. But the beauty in the language that your work usually has, the way the words intermingle with each other like smells at an outdoor market in a foreign country, that's not here in this one.

Something similar tends to happen to me if I haven't written in a while. It takes me some time to 'find' my style again, my touch. It's probably just due to being rusty, and you'll find that touch again soon. I look forward to when you do because I always like reading your work.
kill all humans
#6
thanks all of you, i really do appreciate it. i'm not sure if i'll do anything more with this but i'm pretty fond of the idea behind it.

leave links if there's anything specific any of you want me to look at.
#7
well when I come back from the Desh I will try and show you places that will hopefully spark something... and if not, maybe you'll see a thousand fish again

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24626188
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja