#1
Hey everyone, only just singed up but have written a few songs, any criticism is welcome of course, it's only something I've picked up the last few months.

The sun is out but why is it so cold,
nature begins to wither and grow old.
Retribution rises from the smoking gun,
in the twilight, of the summer sun.

The horse stampedes in a field of grey,
the colours of reality begin to fray.
Time passes by before your staring eyes,
as you stare up into the darkening skies.

Life fades away,
to the end of days.
Life fades away,
to the end of your days.

Leaving your life and family behind,
you begin to retreat into your mind.
Into the depths of darkness and despair,
into the twilight, of the summer sun.

Darkness melts the sun,
your life is up,
your time has come.
No light to cling to,
you pray you knew,
what it is you had to do.

Life fades away,
to the end of days.
Life fades away,
to the end of your days.

Retribution rises from the smoking gun,
in the twilight of the summer sun.
Last edited by unp-ben at Jul 5, 2010,
#2
These are a really good set of lyrics, just a couple of words I edited that might make it be more poetic.

The sun is out but why is it so cold,
nature begins to wither and grow old.
Retribution rises from the smoking gun,
in the twilight, of the summer sun.

The horse stampedes in a field of grey,
the colours of reality begin to fray.
Time passes by before your starring eyes,
as you stare up into the darkening skies.

the colours of reality start to decay (?)


Life fades away,
to the end of (our) days.
Life fades away,
to the end of your days.

Thought the change of our to your would make a good direct message

Leaving your life and family behind,
you begin to retreat into your mind.
Into the depths of darkness and despair,
into the twilight, of the summer sun.

Darkness melts the sun, Nice oxymoron
your life is up,
your time has come.
No light to cling to,
you pray and you knew,
what it is you had to do.

Life fades away,
to the end of (our) days.
Life fades away,
to the end of your days.

Retribution rises from the smoking gun,
in the twilight of the summer sun.

Could imagine this softly sung at the end of the song as the guitars ring out.
Last edited by GezzyDiversion at Jul 5, 2010,
#3
Thanks for the suggestions there, I'm not sure about whether fray or decay is better so I'll wait to see what others have to say about that. I think adding in the "our" is a good move because as you said it does make it a little more direct of a message.
#4
Definitely stick with fray. Really like the first verse, and I like that you repeat "Retribution rises from the smoking gun, in the twilight, of the summer sun," in the song, as I think these lines are really strong.

Where you've put "Time passes by before your starring eyes,
as you stare up into the darkening skies." did you mean "staring eyes?" If so, I think you should change it as you put "stare" in the next line. Other than that I really like it. Nice
#5
Opps, yes I did me staring as opposed to starring, I'm changing that now. Thanks for the pointer and I'm glad you liked it
#6
Beautifully written. Excellent. When the only critique available is small changes, you've got an Amazing song! If only I could write like that when I began. I can't even write like that still but every 10 or so songs.