#1
I am very confident in music writing ability, but not so much lyrics. Well, actually my drummer wrote these, and I usually just change a few words or lines afterwords to remove any cheese-factor that I can. I still find that they are simply acceptable and not great however. Any advice on what we can do better lyric wise, or even advice on specific parts would be greatly appreciated.

Depersonalization
The concept of this song is the inability to identify with, or recognize oneself (as an analogy really) due to self pity. The song ending with the character no longer wanting pity and ultimately accepting how pathetic he is. I don't like the "blade is cutting at my throat" line, super cheesy, but have no better idea to replace it with.

"I stand here looking at myself - but I don't know who I am
An endless war between the shadows - and the past that is me
Blood spilt and sweat runs down my face - a substance I can not replace
The war, it always rages, the face is all that changes

I stand here and look defiantly
Staring at the world I can not see.
Endless torture from myself, I do not crave
I can't stand to be another god damn slave

My blade is cutting at my throat, but I do not feel the pain
I can not stand to fight myself, driving me insane
Dispute is always on my mind, the only thing that's there
Desire burning at the flesh, pulling me under

I fuel my own demise

Time to change
Come and gone.
I deserve no mercy
Request no pity
I do not desire to live inside this world
Bury me in the sand.

Depersonalization
No, I don't feel this pain
Depersonalization
No, I am not the same."


"(Not titled)"
Pretty obvious concept. The weak overpowering the powerful. I don't remember every line, as it is only written down in my drummers head. I think this could use a lot of work, and I particularly dislike the chorus which is a pretty redundant section.

"Behold the sight of - insurgency
Fear for manipulation - the kingdom's creed
You are the cancer - we are the cure
You are no savior - you won't try to be anymore

You will know pain and sorrow
You will know death
You will know suffocation
In your last breath

No matter who you are - you're not a man
(unknown lyric) - shown through your hands
Your mindless propoganda - has made us numb
But it will all be over soon - your time has come

Fall of the tyrant
Bring on the crusade

(unknown lyric) - they've chosen to ignore
I refuse - to live this way
(unknown lyric) - (unknown lyric)
I refuse - to live this way

You will know pain and sorrow
You will know death
You will know suffocation
In your last breath

Fall of the tyrant."


I'll do the whole crit for crit thing if you really want, but I honestly couldn't say anything more than "I like this line" and "this line is to cheesy."
#2
Hi,

Please read the rules regarding posting limits. Each thread is only allowed one set of lyrics/poem and each user is only allowed one thread per day and 2 per six days. This helps keep everything tidy and stops one user from posting so much no one else can get a critique. I'll close this thread and you can pick one song to repost in its own thread, after you've taken a few minutes to browse through the rules.

Thanks,

zC