#1
C4C ( leave link )


Tonight, we’ll make a playlist before we go to bed,
because our favorite songs sound better than my lullabies.
And with our skins entangled by the flashing TV light,
we will try to fight the heat with kisses of ice.

How can you be the only one who’d love me when I’m weak,
and the only one who can make me sane when I’m feeling sick?
We are strangers to our bodies, but it feels good when we’re one;
tracing maps to our Greek islands and our Paris just for fun.

You make silence comfortable, as your breath’s all that I hear;
even if we’re in different rooms or your lips are close to my ear.
And, if you tie me a blindfold, I’ll just follow your heartbeat,
because I know it by heart - it’s the sound I fall asleep with.

If all of this was true, I wouldn’t be awake by now.
Even if you don’t exist, you take my sleep away anyhow.
I’ve an idea in whom you’re based, and I know I did create
you to bring an ounce of love when all I feel like doing’s hate.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jul 6, 2010,
#2
I think more could be done with this if id didn't rhyme, because the idea behind it is a powerful one but it seems limited in language. Keep at it, still nice
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#3
I like the general idea, but I don't like how "heart" is repeated in subsequent lines. You will also have to go into the "kisses of ice" idea more to make it work.
#4
The first line in the third stanza is VERY nice, I like it alot. I'd remove "that" though, it almost destroys the flow of the line.

Also, when paired with the second line, its hard to read, it doesn't really flow well. Other than that, I lke it!
#5
Overall, I enjoyed the piece and could feel it's passion.

Quote by seventh_angel


You make silence comfortable, as your breath’s all that I hear;


...is a great line.

My only criticism is that in some places it's a little awkward, and I think you should remove a few words in the first stanza and a few other places that aren't neccessary and would make it flow better. Some of the references seemed a little mundane.

The way I see it you could really go two directions with this piece. You could edit it a bit, and make the meter a little more solid and improve the flow, or you could make it completly free verse. Either way, I think this piece has great potential, in my opinion, it just needs to be tinkered with a bit before it's a work of art.
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Last edited by Wiegenlied at Jul 9, 2010,
#6
This had so much potential, but it really felt squashed into it's rhyme scheme, which instantly quashed a lot of it's power. I'd love to see this rewritten in freeform, but how it is, it just doesn't click for me.
#7
Nearly there just need to work on the flow, mabe shorten the stanza's?? play around with it to get it flowing more.
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C4C??

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#9
Like others have said, the flow could be tweaked a bit, but overall this is a very sweet piece. I especially like And, if you tie me a blindfold, I’ll just follow your heartbeat, because I know it by heart - it’s the sound I fall asleep with."