#1
ritual/

the mornings drench us in coffee and captian
full-of-sugar-have-fun-with-diabetes-later-in-life
we pull our teeth from the grime
and place them backwards in opposite mouths.


love churns less stomach on paper
people looks better behind lead marks on paper
and cursive raindrops falling from left to right.


all the footprints of you and the fear of expecting
are still intact somewhere inside of me.

somewhere in my chest.


memoriam/

separate these distances
until they are so small
and so far apart
that that distance is impossible to exist;


i've lost it, i've held the last grain of salt
and been the last man alive
standing beneath impossibilities' legs


you don't know when you are the last man alive,
you just are it


each bit of myself has impossible distance between


curse/

the last photos of you cooly rinse down a sink
back home smothered between small towns
'american "heart"land'
the cul-de-sacs and one way signs


the plastic siding and old trucks
lead me through the blanketed streets
in every season and time of day


there is no way out of their
community


the distance is impossible.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jul 10, 2010,
#2
except for the second line, which i thought was too long and distracting against the directness of the rest of the piece around it, the first part of this was much stronger than the second to me. the language just felt better executed but still like it twisted around somewhat playfully, especially in the second stanza. "all the footprints of you" was a bit of awkward phrasing however.

the second part felt choppy and drawn out in comparison. though there is some good stuff in there, parts felt unnecessary and detracted from a sense of directness that helped make the first part as good as it is.
#3
I really liked the following lines...

"love churns less stomach on paper
people looks better behind lead marks on paper
and cursive raindrops falling from left to right."

"i've lost it , i've held the last grain of salt
and been the last man alive"

"the last photos of you cooly rinse down a sink
back home smothered between small towns
'american "heart"land'
the cul-de-sacs and one way signs
the plastic siding and old trucks
lead me through the blanketed streets
in every season and time of day
there is no way out of their
community"

Really brilliant stuff. I felt the rest was not necessary, and not particularly urgent or grabbing. I didn't think the distance thing worked. I really loved the above excerpts though.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1335463
#4
I agree that the first part is quite above the 2nd.

love churns less stomach on paper
people looks better behind lead marks on paper
and cursive raindrops falling from left to right.


Love that. It's the essence of what we've become. A few descriptive words can make anyone seem amazing.

the last photos of you cooly rinse down a sink
back home smothered between small towns
'american "heart"land'
the cul-de-sacs and one way signs


the plastic siding and old trucks
lead me through the blanketed streets
in every season and time of day


there is no way out of their
community


the distance is impossible.


This is pretty much my small town community in indiana. Everyone longing to get out and you see nothing but generations of families still stuck here. Even another county seems too far out of reach. This one struck a chord with me. Nice job.
#5
Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

This's nice Lyrics about very early life...
#6
i felt like holistically i got the most out of it. i was kinda do a nit-picky crit but i soon realized that the two sections by themselves don't do much for me. rather, when i linger on the aftertaste of the poem, i tend to like it a lot more.

i will say though that i stumbled over the second stanza. i feel like the first line is worded and phrased awkwardly or something because i had to reread that stanza like five times. it has balked me each time i've read it to the point where i can't derive much meaning or feeling from it. could just be me but i figured i'd let you know.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
I like the first stanza much more than the second. The directness is appealing, honest. I like it. I do think, though, that you don't need both "somewhere inside of me" and "somewhere in my chest". The second one doesn't really add anything to the piece, so I would suggest just using one or the other.

The second stanza was a bit hard for me to understand/piece together, especially how it related to the first. The line "leave me in a distance that is impossible to exist" is great, though, as well as how you refer back to it at the end.
kill all humans
#8
I separated this into three parts, and added some in the middle. Tell me what you think, por favor