#1
Burials and Ambitions

This stone yard is just full of old trends
and full of old sin
and full of the stitches
that held together worthless bridges

Goodbye secret place we'll always remember
Goodbye love laced with forevers
Goodbye summer and all of your splendors
Goodbye beautiful starry eyed endeavor

Is it such a crime
To grave rob my own mind?
Sift through the rotten earth
In search of something to salvage from the dirt

Is it such a sin
For me to try and find out when
Memories decay
and how they'd strike me if I dug them up again

Goodbye running to win meaningless races
Goodbye home and other lovely places
Goodbye names and corresponding faces
Goodbye world with which I left no traces

Goodbye maps with familiarly drawn angles
Goodbye intricate webs I weaved but I tangled
Goodbye ropes from which I dangled
Goodbye heart overworked and mangled

Is it such a crime
To grave rob my own mind?
Sift through the rotten earth
In search of something to salvage from the dirt

Is it such a sin
For me to try and find out when
Memories decay
and how they'd strike me if I dug them up again
and again
and again

This stone yard is just full of old friends
and full of old kin
and full of past kisses
that nobody misses

Goodbye
Last edited by kforte318 at Jul 8, 2010,
#2
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you on this. Overall, I like it, though it does seem a bit long. There's a few things, though, that I think could stand to be changed.

I'd really advise against using the word "sin". Nobody really uses it except for the churchy types, and putting it in a song makes it feel way too 'zomg satan' or 'oooh I'm so deep'. There's a lot of better words you can use that won't make you sound like you're 14.

The other thing that I don't really like is the stanzas where you rhyme every line. It actually works the first time, but after that it sounds way too forced. Once you start changing word order from how a person would actually talk, you're definitely forcing it too much.

Overall, I would suggest cleaning this up a bit, shortening it, and making sure every line actually contributes something, rather than just being there to rhyme or fill space. It's definitely got potential, though.
kill all humans
#3
I wasn't sure about this at first. Some parts are really clever and well worded, but others seem to get a bit wordy and drawn out.

"Goodbye beautiful starry eyed endeavor"

I loved this line. Endeavor is one of my favorite words. It just has a strong feeling when it rolls off my tongue. I get a metal vibe when I read this, and I think it could actually work well with that style of music.
#4
Quote by kforte318
Burials and Ambitions

This stone yard is just full of old trends
and full of old sin
and full of the stitches
that held together worthless bridges
Worthless seems like too long of a word here.

Goodbye secret place we'll always remember
Goodbye love laced with forevers
Goodbye summer and all of your splendors
Goodbye beautiful starry eyed endeavor

Is it such a crime
To grave rob my own mind?
Sift through the rotten earth
In search of something to salvage from the dirt

Is it such a sin
For me to try and find out when
Memories decay
and how they'd strike me if I dug them up again

Goodbye running to win meaningless races
Goodbye home and other lovely places
Goodbye names and corresponding faces
Goodbye world with which I left no traces

Goodbye maps with familiarly drawn angles
Goodbye intricate webs I weaved but I tangled
Goodbye ropes from which I dangled
Goodbye heart overworked and mangled
"Weaved but THEN tangled" would probably flow better.

Is it such a crime
To grave rob my own mind?
Sift through the rotten earth
In search of something to salvage from the dirt

Is it such a sin
For me to try and find out when
Memories decay
and how they'd strike me if I dug them up again
and again
and again

This stone yard is just full of old friends
and full of old kin
and full of past kisses
that nobody misses

Goodbye
I was originally going to crit each stanza individually, but I realized it would just turn into me telling you how much I like it repeatedly; honestly, the only complaints I have are the two things I posted above. Overall, I think it's quite well written, and I especially like your wordplay.
Last edited by herby190 at Jul 14, 2010,