#1
"I Wish This Sad Song Wasn't Mine"


If whiskey flowed down Whiskey River,
I'd drink that river dry.
Then fill it back up again,
with these tears from my eyes.

I saw you at Whiskey River,
kissin your ol' friend.
You look happy in his arms.
Guess you're still in love with him.

"Girl", you're married to another.
What you're doin just ain't right.
I saw him cryin in a bar room,
drinkin whiskey half the night.

(Short Brake)

He took off his wedding ring.
Said I don't want this thing.
He downed a shot of whiskey,
then I heard him sing:

I drink my whiskey from a bottle,
one shot at a time.
While I'm singing to the bar-maid,
I wish this sad song wasn't mine.

I get my lovin from the bar-maid,
one shot at a time.
While I'm singing to the whiskey,
I wish this sad song wasn't mine.

(Short Brake)

He slipped the bar-maid a twenty.
Rolled up in it was his ring.
As the bar-maid poured more whiskey,
she cried when she heard him sing:

"Girl", you're married to another.
What you're doin just ain't right.
Now, I'm cryin in a bar room,
drinkin whiskey half the night.

If whiskey flowed down Whiskey River.
Lord, I'd drink that river dry.
Then fill it back up again,
with all these tears from my eyes.

I drink my whiskey from a bottle.
I wish this sad song wasn't mine.
Last edited by jodyWayne at Jul 15, 2010,
#3
Wow, i feel the pain just reading it.
I imagine this as a good blues tune or something like a Bob Dylan song

Oh and i think there's an "e" in Whiskey but thats no biggie
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#4
Oh my god this was a one of the best I have read on this website. Though it is a cliche story (my favorite version is St. James Infirmary,) but you told it very well. And with the skill of a professional songwriter Keep on Writing
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#5
Quote by 24WildRovers
Oh my god this was a one of the best I have read on this website. Though it is a cliche story (my favorite version is St. James Infirmary,) but you told it very well. And with the skill of a professional songwriter Keep on Writing

Forgot so say...

You could do without this stanza
" saw you at Whiskey River,
kissin your ol' friend.
You look happy in his arms.
Guess you're still in love with him."

And don't repeat this one, just keep with the first one
"He gets his lovin from the bar-maid,
one shot at a time.
While he's singing to the whisky,
I wish this sad song wasn't mine"


And overall, very good Keep on Writing
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If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#6
Now I'm just forgetting everything, ignore the previous posts.

If whiskey flowed down Whiskey River,
I'd I would drink that river dry.
Then fill it back up again,
with these tears from my eyes. the tears that I cry. ??Maybe
I would prefer for you to add a syllable this way, but you don't really have to, especially if you were to include good music to sing it to.

I saw you at Whiskey River,
kissin your ol' friend.
You look happy in his arms.
Guess you're still in love with him.

This you could do without all together. The story is sympathetic enough so adding more lyricall stand-points makes the story seem cluttered.

Girl you're married to another.
What you're doing is just ain't not right.
I saw him cryin in a bar room,
drinking whisky half the night.
I am the type of people that really doesn't like the word "ain't," just because it doesn't sound right, and it is a hard sounding word in poetry. Even in sad or mad poetry, you want the words to flow off the tounge smoothly.

He took off his wedding ring.
Said Saying, "I don't want this thing!"
He downed a shot of whisky,
then I heard him sing:

He drinks his whiskey from a bottle,
one shot at a time.
While he's singing to the bar-maid,
I wish this sad song wasn't mine.

He gets his lovin from the bar-maid,
one shot at a time.
While he's singing to the whisky,
I wish this sad song wasn't mine.

You don't need to repeat this verse, the whole poem long enough the way it is

He slipped the bar-maid a twenty.
Rolled up in it, was his ring.
As the bar-maid poured more whiskey,
she cried when she heard him sing:
You don't need a camma here. Cammas usually represent a break in the flow, and you have enough syllables that you don't need another brake. But for example of a camma not for a break is the first camma in the next stanza. "Girl," is an exclamation, and if it is at the very begining of a line you ususally say it before the line typically begins, and that is signified by the camma.

Girl, you're married to another.
What you're doin just ain't right.
Now, I'm cryin in a bar room,
drinkin whiskey half the night.

I drink my whiskey from a bottle.
I wish this sad song wasn't mine.

Nothing you probably didn't already know, just stupid little mistakes that everyone make. But, not bad Keep on Writing
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Jul 9, 2010,
#7
Amazing, really like it. It conveys the emotions extremely well without over doing it, very well written
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#8
I enjoyed this very much. It's got a punch to it. Although many would say cliche', maybe...but every story can be told a different way and I like where this is coming from.

The flow is really nice. Has a good country/blues vibe goin with it and depending how you sing it, quite a ballad. I just wrote a kind of drinking redemption song, I'd think you might like it. It's on the bottom of the post, ya don't have to crit if ya don't want to but it'd seem like it'd be around the same style, if not a bit more upbeat. Nice job.
#9
I like it. Nice, classic-sounding country song. Not exactly breaking any new ground, but you manage to fit the style perfectly.
kill all humans
#10
You need to turn this into a song, very good.

However, it just seemed like a play on "Whiskey River" by Willie Nelson.
#11
Quote by severed-metal
You need to turn this into a song, very good.

However, it just seemed like a play on "Whiskey River" by Willie Nelson.

Hi Severed-Metal,
Thanks for the input, and the compliement. This is a song. I'm not a singer but i'm going to try and do a video recording. Sevral people have made reference to Willy Nelson's song. It's really nothing like his as you can see, but just the words "whisky river" points straight at Willie. I've considered changing it to "Heart Brake River". It sounds ok, flows well when I sing it that way. But, I feel it may take a little of the "edge" away from the song?

If whisky flowed down Whisky River, I'd drink that river dry.

If whisky flowed down Heart Brake River, I'd drink that river dry.

I don't know what to do? I'd ask Willie but I can't seam to find his phone number. lol

Take care,
jody
#12
Quote by alaskan_ninja
I like it. Nice, classic-sounding country song. Not exactly breaking any new ground, but you manage to fit the style perfectly.

Thank you very much. It is definately clasic country. I like to play with words. What I don't have in musical or singing tallent, I try to make up for with catchy wording.

Thanks again,
jody