#1
One of my first songs I've written; It's loosely about my ex-girlfriend and how I felt about the shit i put up with for so long only for her to "drown" me without a care in the end


Submission!
Just so you’ll listen
Explanations?
Darkness, insanity, lost stare frustrations

Drift deeper into abyss drowning surely
No need to struggle she ends it early
Final Breath

No recollection
Forgotten direction
Stay with me?
Coma, depression

Commitment?
Feelings now ancient
Redemption!
Deceive, incoherent, Mollusk pays no attention

Mutiny, deceit, haunt victim’s soul
No recovery she has emotions sold
Gasp for Air
Quote by ErikLensherr
Don't belittle it like that, your mom produces top quality stuff.



C4C
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VOTE
Thrustor: 2012
Last edited by vicarious46 at Jul 9, 2010,
#2
Yeah... I could feel your frustration. Depression is real, coma <-- perfect! This has all the ingrediants for a bad-ass metal song. Good job.

Thanks for looking at my "Whiskey" song.

Take care,
jody
#3
jody was spot on when he said it had all the ingredients for a bad-ass metal song. I loved it, and your word choice is fantastic. The fourth stanza was by far my favorite, specifically the last line in that stanza. "Drift deeper into abyss drowning surely" reads a little awkwardly to me, it seems like you compromised that line a great deal for the sake of the rhyme. Maybe consider rewording?

overall, awesome. I'd love to hear the music that went along with this, it's probably pretty friggen heavy.
#4
My only complaint is that the last line of the first stanza seems too long to work rhythmically; other than that, you have yourself a well-written piece.