#1
Basically, I have to choose something to do for my English Mini Major and I decided to try write a suite of poems as something new (I usually choose creative writing all the time since it's my best skill in English) and challenging. I plan to have the suite start off in a quite modern setting and progressively move to less modern areas before ending at the ocean. I have already written the last part of the suite (https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1326968) and here is the first part. It's rather rough at the moment, I had more trouble thinking of metaphors here because I don't have any non cliche ones to think about in regards to the city. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it and criticise it to hell.

If you have the time, please post your interpretation of the poem as I would like to see how people take the way I convey my thoughts.

EDIT: Yes, there are BTBAM references in this.


Nothing but a single unit. A vessel.
They’ve been force feeding me.
They’ve been feeding me yet I gain no sustenance.
A constant drive towards completion – the completion of our greatest flaw.
I see nothing but the very same gazes of existence pass me by every day.
The sun pushes the vines and the everyday man against the wall relentlessly.
It comes without fail, this pulsating struggle.

Looking on, man is distant.
Distant from each other, distant from themselves.
Somehow, we fail to see ourselves in each other.
But what is there to see in our malnourished souls?
I’ve grown fond of this loneliness. It keeps me.
It brings me silence. It brings me comfort.
Not often does the everyday man find comfort in silence.

I watch them run in this backwards marathon.
Disguised as progress, it deceives us.
It is the sun that takes the life it should be nourishing.
This familiarity is draining.

Past the polis, I seek an opportunity for penance.
I seek the sacristy – I seek sustenance.
A chance for nourishment, a chance to be the nomad.
Before I let the waves carry, I must walk.
Last edited by XianXiuHong at Jul 9, 2010,
#2
no time to go in depth but thats a lot better than anything else iv read on here today. nice one
#3
When i read this, i kind of interperet it as a person withering away in jail.

"They’ve been force feeding me.
They’ve been feeding me yet I gain no sustenance."
-They send you to this prison to learn from your prior mistakes and feed you all need to become a better person but they cannot change you.

In the second verse I feel as if the prisoner has come to terms with the loneliness.

"I watch them run in this backwards marathon.
Disguised as progress, it deceives us."
-I feel as if the prisoner is criticizing the higher form of authority that put him away, because even though they have locked this man away in an attempt to better society there will always be criminals.

It's written well and i enjoyed trying to interperet it from my point of view. Do you plan on making a song with this? I couldn't really establish a flow for this but i still think it's pretty well written

-Justin
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#4
Quote by vicarious46
When i read this, i kind of interperet it as a person withering away in jail.

"They’ve been force feeding me.
They’ve been feeding me yet I gain no sustenance."
-They send you to this prison to learn from your prior mistakes and feed you all need to become a better person but they cannot change you.

In the second verse I feel as if the prisoner has come to terms with the loneliness.

"I watch them run in this backwards marathon.
Disguised as progress, it deceives us."
-I feel as if the prisoner is criticizing the higher form of authority that put him away, because even though they have locked this man away in an attempt to better society there will always be criminals.

It's written well and i enjoyed trying to interperet it from my point of view. Do you plan on making a song with this? I couldn't really establish a flow for this but i still think it's pretty well written

-Justin


While your interpretations weren't my intentions, I quite like your version of it! Perhaps I'll eventually write an album to go with this and the rest of the currently unwritten poem suite but currently, it's staying as a poem as I have no musical inspiration ;(.

Thanks for the crit