#1
one day I'll take you with me and plant my long fingers into the mud
let them wind into roots and spread into the river shore
you can spread your toes in the warm rippled sand
grow tall and stretch out and out and out and
we'll grow leaves and let little children climb us
let the baby goats trot along in our shade
wait for the sun to set and turn the water orange hues
like a neverending mirror coming down to where our bodies meet...

we'll hold our breaths until the night wanders in
and watch the planets appear just before the stars
watch the sky turn into a blanket covered in glittering lint
find gold dust like the 49ers, but without the greed
speckled in our black sea
two thousand for you, a thousand for me.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Jul 15, 2010,
#2
This was different because it didn't slap me in the face.

That's neither good or bad, it just is. I found myself smiling at the end.

"two thousand for you, a thousand for me." Indeed. This makes a nice bedtime story. I'm not insinuating that it's boring(it's not boring), but after reading this at about 1:30 AM I feel like if I just finally go to bed I'll have a very good dream.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
i feel like you're able to write about nature and natural things like love, friendship and family without getting too lofty and flowery in your language. in my opinion, you manage to walk that tightrope by speaking on these important things while staying firmly grounded to human elements and emotions, if you know what i mean.

i loved this poem just for that reason. personally, i didn't like the use of "shade" in consecutive lines. and did you mean "like" instead of "live" in the last line of the first stanza?

good shit nonetheless.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
I like the imagery here, especially in the first stanza. I think it's great how you don't actually use the word "tree", but the reader can picture exactly what is happening.


You seem happy. That is nice
kill all humans
#5
This is pretty much my favorite poem now. I am pretty impressed with your usage of the historical reference to 49ers, as I tend to despise allusions to history and similar things; however it works so perfectly in this poem. The whole thing is just cute and I love it.
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#6
I liked this one, but I see in the last line of the first verse there are 2 ours and the first should be removed... at least im hoping cause nobody else mentioned it...
#7
I know it sounds lame, but wow is about the only word I can think of to describe how I feel about this poem. It was simple, yet it projected so much emotion on me. It was really quiet soothing to read. Definitely one of your better pieces, and that is really saying a lot.
Last edited by CaptMorgan at Jul 13, 2010,
#8
thanks so much everyone and jay, i am happy

also thank you for finding the typos guys hahaha, I should really proofread these things...
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
I'm a little late but I'll echo those above - great work. This is the kind of thing that I picture being a short song, but one with more than enough words and thoughts and images to leave you satisfied after it's done. The "baby goats" and "49ers, but without the greed" references were nice to keep it grounded.