#1
Wow I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I've posted anything. This is by far not my best work, but I felt that I needed to post it just to get my creative juices flowing again and get a little feedback. C4C


Please don’t touch me
It just hurts too much
Fire and ice hide in your fingers
Scorching me with frostbite
You’ll be leaving in the spring
But the marks you leave behind will always remain
Open wounds refusing to scab
Bleeding infections

I said don’t touch me
Is this fun for you
Mutilating my body and mangling my soul
My mind will be the last to go
Even though I wish it would be the first
Because living without you would be a little easier that way

I SAID DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME
Is it so hard for you to understand
I hate loving you so much
And every time you touch me
I remember when it meant something to you too
#4
I really like this. The emotion behind it is portrayed very well. The only thing I would change was already mentioned, the frostbite line is a little awkward.
#5
Thanks so much for the critiques. I'm not really sure how the frostbite line is awkward, but I'll fool around and see if I can come up with something I like better in its place.

If there's anything you want me to crit, then just leave a link and I'd be happy to look at it.
#6
Quote by CaptMorgan



Please don’t touch me
It just hurts too much
Fire and ice hide in your fingers
Scorching me with frostbite
I think you could do away with the third line because the above line says the same thing in a stronger, more concise way
You’ll be leaving in the spring
But the marks you leave behind will always remain
Open wounds refusing to scab
Bleeding infections

I said don’t touch me
Is this fun for you
Mutilating my body and mangling my soul
this line isnt as strong as it could be because you just state the mutilation. to truly protray it, you must show it, the way you did in the previous stanza
My mind will be the last to go
Even though I wish it would be the first
Because living without you would be a little easier that way

I SAID DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME
Is it so hard for you to understand
I hate loving you so much
this also could be stronger in the same way... show the hate, show the love, don't just state it
And every time you touch me
I remember when it meant something to you too


you have a lot of potential, as I've said before, and I think this could be so much better if you just spruced it up a bit. thanks for writing and always keep at it
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja