#1
Autopsy

I see your sickly organs and rotting bones
My dear a pretty face can't hide an ugly soul
Makeup can't fill crevasses left by hollow eyes
Lipstick just can't hide the stench of bile covered lies

Fallacy can only go so far
You'll burn away like every other meteor calling themselves a star
I know what color you really bleed
When you finally crash down from your throne everyone will see

That mask of skin can't hide your intention
You only became perfect by lowering standards of perfection
Blind the ignorant with the glamor and the riches
Beneath all expensive clothing lies another seam of stitches
Your voice beckons with a subtle shrieking tone
Periodic loves and booze and drugs; you'll surely die alone

Fallacy can only go so far
You'll burn away like every other meteor calling themselves a star
I know what color you really bleed
When you finally crash down from your throne everyone will see

My mind operates like an autopsy
My eyes like surgical knives
see straight through your body

I hear you scream when your mouth is shut
you dug your own grave in your very own rut
your heart is a cave and you better be brave
if you have any intentions of escape
_

Constructive criticism is much appreciated and always returned; leave a link. Thanks for reading
#2
Nice
xD
I like it, since it's all true, talkin' 'bout this new sh*t where everyone tries to be cool or w/e... ( at least I got it that way ;P)

"My eyes like surgical knives
see straight through your body"
somehow doesn't fit to me, you rhymed the whole thing and then that's unrhymed, although I can't help ya with the choosing of words since my english vocabulary isn't really big ;P

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24624312#post24624312
"One bourbon, one scotch, one beer" *And one deadman, walking this land, with nothing, but a drink in his hand.*

C4C ?
And that's life , Empty Shell
#3
I really feel the hate, and i love how vulgar the first verse is. It really blows the reader away.

"You'll burn away like every other meteor calling themselves a star" This is by far my favorite line.


I like how you closed the 2nd verse "Periodic loves and booze and drugs; you'll surely die alone"


I really like this overall, but i feel as you ended it a little weak with the last two lines.
"your heart is a cave and you better be brave
/if you have any intentions of escape" I feel that you rushed these last two lines and that you can word this better and change it a little cause the rest of your work is really strong.

-Justin

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1335840
Quote by ErikLensherr
Don't belittle it like that, your mom produces top quality stuff.



C4C
[thread="1339859"]Hammerhead[/thread]
[thread="1341152"]Anglerfish[/thread]

VOTE
Thrustor: 2012
#4
Mateus, I see what you mean; I might swap that, I'm not sure. I wanted to break the mold of the entire song considering it was striking me as a little repetitive with the constant rhyme scheme, but looking back now I definitely see how it just doesn't fit.

vicarious, I definitely see what you mean, and I plan on changing that up. You were probably right in saying it was rushed, I tend to do that sometimes towards the end without realizing it.

Thanks both of you!
#5
This was really solid, in my opinion. A lot of images you used and the running autopsy/death metaphor really came off as fresh and original. A lot of great lines here. Well done.

Some suggestions for you to consider:

- Personally, I like it when I know a little backstory about the characters in a song. Why do you particularly feel this way? What has this person done to warrant being called an "ugly soul"? You do mention "periodic loves, booze, and drugs" as part of the reason. Well hell, if that's the criteria for an ugly soul then I'm guilty as charged too. That's why I'm assuming there's more to that. In my opinion, a great songwriter will open his heart up to his audience by offering the grit and details. In order to really place myself into your position and connect wholly, I think you need to offer me the very details that made you feel the way you do. Hope that made some sense.

- Also, I'll touch upon some lines that I think you could reword. For one: "You only became perfect by lowering standards of perfection". This wasn't particularly poetic and it was a little wordy. Given some of your other clever phrases and lines in this song, I think you can do better with this line. Also: "You'll burn away like every other meteor calling themselves a star" I have no real gripes with what this is saying but it does seem a little wordy. However, if you have a rhythm and vocal melody in which to sing it, then by all means keep it the way you have it.

Hopefully that helped a little. I loved the idea of it. Like I said, the metaphor is solid as are the images that you used to support it.
here, My Dear, here it is