#1
Hey guys this is a poem that I wrote about a special someone and the story of how we were friends, and then lovers, until we are two people who absolutely hate each other. And well, I started writing it in January and I'm still working on some of it, it's divided into four parts. This part is finished so I'll post it. I'd like to know what you think and how you feel.

Part 1: Inspiration
Its a cold January night in the side of town where nothing is safe.
Just past midnight while everyone sleeps, we are found awake and dauntless.
Found talking in the dim light where no one can hear us.
Police sirens are heard in the distance, but does not hinder our speech,
For we do not speak face to face, nor have we in a month.
But through illuminated screens and letters,
Hanging on every word as if it is the last you will ever say.
We share stories of our life, some we have not spoken of in many months.
I reply to your words you have told in secrecy,
The conversation carries out in the airwaves above, hoping for a reply.
Through the digital madness we find ourselves closer, however we are far apart.
We're from two different worlds like Venus and Mars,
Yet all too similar in many ways.
As if fate paired us together, like an elaborate plot with an outcome undecided.
#2
Wow, I really loved that. Its funny cause the poem kinda of reflects what just recently happened in my life so it hits close to home. I give it a thumbs up
#3
I thought it wasn't too bad. A little cliche but it had a well felt message.

I also noticed that it is "Part I." If your going to make other parts, make the song a suite. The first section, this section, you can make using slow, pleasent majors mixed with a couple of minors to keep it kind of minor sounding, but not depressing chords to convey the sincerity of the message, then make the next one a little more up beat. Make the message about all the great times you've spent together in the sunshine and playgrounds. Then to finish it make a very depressing ending about how she left you or something. Make the music so sad sounding that you don't even need the words to say how it felt.

Of course this is only a suggestion and I'm just here to critique your posted work, and I say it sounds well enough for me Keep on Writing
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Jul 12, 2010,
#4
Thank you Infinity&Beyond and i hope what happens with you goes well.
24WildRovers, thanks for your comment i can understand how you can say its cliche i agree myself but then again its a little hard to be original these days lol. And yes this is part 1, ill post the others over a period of four weeks because of posting rules, but part 2 was about the time we're together, part 3 is the rough times in our relationship, and part 4 was the loss of her. and i will make a note of how i should arrange it as a song, i already have some chords made up on my guitar that i havent put to anything yet so thanks