#1
Hey guys, how's it goin'? I need some feedback on this crappy little poem I wrote. Please be kind, it's my first attempt, and any critiques will be appreciated, constructive, or not. Haha. Thanks guys, here it is:

"Shattered"

Does it matter now?
The way my insides burn
The way they twist and turn...
I don't have your patience
I can't shake the sensations
That you left tattooed
On my dying heart...

Take it all away*
It didn't matter how much I begged to stay...
Shattered my mind*
Shattered my world...
You went ahead and shattered my heart.

Did it matter then?
Did you keep my gifts with you?
Like I've kept my feelings for you?
Did they eat away at your conscience?
Much as mine do.

Take it all away*
It didn't matter how much I begged to stay...
Shattered my mind*
Shattered my world...
You went ahead and shattered my heart.

Does it matter now?
The way I didn't turn?
The way I stopped the burn.
I don't want your patience,*
I don't need this silence,
I've put the pieces back,
To my shattered heart.
#3
Agreed, fantastic if it's your first attempt.
Always keep drafts of your songs if you make any changes.
Some good wording in there, keep it up.
On playing the Paul Gilbert signature at the guitar store extensively, my missus sighed:
"Put it down now, It's like you love that guitar more than me!"
In Which I replied.
"Well it has got two F-Holes!"
#4
Oh yeah, haha the asterisks were changes I made, I'm doing this all from my iPhone, and it was on my notepad. Thanks for the positive feedback guys, I appreciate it.
#5
Congratulations, it does have a rhyming pattern to it. The problem is that now you have to come up with music to go along with it. Most people go about it the other way around--they do the music first and then the lyrics. But you can still do something with what you have here.

The next step is to look very carefully at the rhyming structure of what you have written and try to come up with chord structure that goes along with it. This is going to be tricky, but it is doable.

ron666