#1
Hey all. Hoping for some feedback. It is, of course, better with the music.


Wait for Me

Wait for me, at the top of the evergreen.
Wait for me, at the top of the world.
Baby, don’t let go of my shoulder.
Baby, please hold on.
Baby, please hold on.

When we first met, the world was a simple place
And we were both simple people.
Now we have jobs, responsibilities,
Now we have fame and fortune
Wait, that’s not me.

Wait for me, at the top of the evergreen.
Wait for me, at the top of the world.
Baby, don’t let go of my shoulder.
Baby, please hold on.
Baby, please hold on.

In a city of ten million,
It’s a wonder we ever did meet:
You walking one way,
Me going the other,
Me saying how’s your day
and your look that made me stutter.

Wait for me, at the top of the evergreen.
Wait for me, at the top of the world.
Wait for me…
Wait for me...
Last edited by JordanZZ at Jul 12, 2010,
#2
Well we all know this story very well, but for all of the versions I have heard, I liked your simplicity. Most people try to complicate the story to make it original, but yours is original for the very reason that you didn't. Though this is a chliche story told generically, and I said it was well enough; try to make another with lots of imagry and use a little creativity to tell the story in a different point of view (though I said earlier to keep it simple, sometimes you need to add a little something, but do still keep it simple.) And maybe people will come to listen to that Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#3
so you like the simplicity but you'd like it to be less simple. I'm not sure I follow, but I think I heard somewhere that with criticism, if a person can tell you there's a problem, they're usually right, but if they tell you how to fix it, they're usually wrong. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read.
#4
Well, what 24 said, it's simple, a cliche, but it's good for that reason.
I especially like the "You walking one way,
Me going the other,
Me saying how’s your day
and your look that made me stutter." Maybe because of the rhyme, maybe because of something else, heck I don't know, I just like it =)
I also agree with you on what you said... "if a person can tell you there's a problem, they're usually right, but if they tell you how to fix it, they're usually wrong." Especially in songwriting since we all think differently :P but constructive criticism should always be welcome ^^

C4C ?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1337522
"One bourbon, one scotch, one beer" *And one deadman, walking this land, with nothing, but a drink in his hand.*

C4C ?
And that's life , Empty Shell
#5
Well, of course the song is cliche, what song isn't thats posted on here? Haha, well the great part about everything posted on here is that its all unique and this is no exception. I really enjoyed the lines "And we were both simple people. Now we have jobs, responsibilities, Now we have fame and fortune Wait, that’s not me." Since I can really relate to it. Good job. As for improvements, the "baby, please hold on" part seems really cheesy to me, but thats my opinion.
#6
I suppose I agree with you all. In trying to write to music, in phrasings and what not, I find myself falling into writing some cliches. I do appreciate that you guys liked a few stanzas though, but I think that chorus is perhaps rather awful, at least the 2nd two lines of it. I will perhaps see what I can do about it. Thanks again for reading.
#7
You seem to have a real passive aggressive response to constructive criticism given on a board designed to post and receive constructive criticism and advice. You've got to watch that if you are ever going to work with a producer.

You have a concept here, but it feels forced.