#1
bowtie'd around the nape of my
neck sits a locket i found and put
a picture of my lover in-my lover in
the sense that i love her and
she knows my name and where i am
if she is ever to try and find me;
i saw on a map the ocean and
laid flat on the floor of my living room
i walk across it-i can't get over how
shallow it is and how tragically deep
i sleep at night to not hear the rocks
i dream you throwing at my window,
maybe its for the best and better,
that i do not wake when i am calling out
your name.
Last edited by rushmore at Jul 13, 2010,
#2
Your line breaks are so random. You break write in the middle of a sentence. You really need to plan that out better.
#4
line breaks are something i never understand. People tell me mine are erratic and stupid, but to me, they're emotional and necessary :?:
Either way, i like how playful this is, even with the serious emotions and tone. It plays off of itself so well.
#5
I've recently become convinced that line breaks don't matter. At all. I mean, go look at some of Bukowskis poems. Or better yet, ee cummings breaks lines in the middle of a goddamn word.

I have nagged so many people about line breaks in the past, but honestly, just press enter wherever you damn well please.


"to not hear the rocks
i dream you throwing at my window"

Huh? Awkward wording, or typo?

Other than that I really liked this, as always.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
line breaks matter. they dramatically affect pacing, especially in a non-rhyming poem. but everyone's idea of pacing can be different.
#7
I love the title of the poem.

The line breaks confused me, but, after consideration, the shape sort of reminds me of a postcard, which is fitting for this type of message. I like the long sentences too that all have to come out in one long exhale.

Also liked the last line.

Wasn't too keen on the shallowness of a map on the floor. Though it coincides with a sort of over-dramatic ideal-ness that runs throughout this poem. I get the impression that this main character is young, one of those hopeless / helpless romantics so very often found eatting french fries in the high school cafateria.
#8
this is interesting. it's almost backwards from where you've been going. nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it and it gives me something to ponder about you
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