hello UG songwriters,

I'm not typically a lyricist but I hope the community can give me some constructive criticism and help with my piece. The song is about a woman who is is a notorious heartbreaker and it makes a direct comparison of her victims and the cigarettes she smokes.

The title is french for "Do you need a light?" referring to a lighter for a cigarette.

Vous Avez Du Feu?

Plagued by a sick addiction,
Toying with hearts with your false affection,
It gets you high and full attention,
And once your done you need another buzz.

So take your light and thrust it in my chest,
Between my ribs you set my heart aflame,
Like the tip of a cigarette!
Ashes fade away from all that was left,
From what was left of all that I had left to feel!
So take my life and toss it like the rest,
Between the sheets you paint my sheets red!
Lustful lies and the delusional passion,
Has me rolling between her fingertips
She's got me burning between her lips!
Has me rolling between her fingertips
Has me burning between her lips!

Throw me out the window of your moving car!
I will find company along the roadside,
Amongst those who have been burned.

The guilt that rises with your trail of smoke
Will follow you to the end...

this is a song for my screamo band Capriccio. let me know what you guys think. I will do C4C too.
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Quote by RU Experienced?
Sorry man, I only know how to program in Db.

Quote by genghisgandhi
I'm so underground that I make up bands and songs in my head and don't tell anyone about them.
I don't know if you made it in a funky structure on purpose, but generally the chorus is "short and sweet" and contains the hook that drives the point home. There are multiple verses, each different, and choruses in between. It's just that you have only one very short verse and an uber long chorus that doesn't really function as a chorus at all, it's more like a verse.

As for the rest, try not to just say stuff outright(You need another buzz). You're just telling me this instead of showing me. Use images to illustrate her addiction to heartbreak. When you describe it "like the tip of a cigarette", well cigarettes just kinda smolder...it's not a very bright or intense flame, so I think that was just a poorly thought out simile. I stumbled reading "Between the sheets you paint my sheets red" because of the repetition of "sheets". It doesn't work, it just makes it awkward and a mouthful. Also makes it seem like you're talking about her killing people.

The major major flaw in this is that you don't try to make me care. You just go on about this lady that breaks peoples hearts and compare it to cigarettes, but there's nothing that tells me that I should give a shit and why I should give one. Nothing I can relate to.

I've never responded to a breakup in anger, but I guess whatever floats your boat.

If you don't mind taking a look at my piece I'd appreciate it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1337817
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Good lyrics. As Ganoosh stated, the chorus seems a little long.
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