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1-Poor
10 21%
2-Meh
13 28%
3-Good
16 34%
4-Great
4 9%
5-Excellent
4 9%
Voters: 47.
#1
Yesterday I asked for inspiration for a book to write. I decided to write a semi-autobiographical book (based on things that happened to my life with a bit of bullshit thrown in). So this is the first chapter that I wrote in the last 30 minutes.

I would like some constructive criticism please. And I'll include a poll ranking from 1-55 being Excellent 1 being poor. Thanks.


EDIT: Also thanks for people who have provided names for me to use. (ie: Dan a.k.a Cornmacer.. Would also like some others to add in.)
EDIT EDIT: I've seem to get a lot of shit about the last line, so i'm dropping it. Thanks for the tips so far keep them coming

‘Where... Where am I?’ Vaguely remembering the night before, the drugs, the alcohol, and the headache I now have. I open my eyes but my vision is obscured. I look around and I can’t really see. I try to move my arm but the I can’t. I try my legs, but still no movement. ‘Am..Am I paralyzed? No, no that can’t be it, I can still move my head.’ So with that thought I try and look around and then realize I’m not breathing. But when I go to open my mouth I feel a trickle of water pass through my lips. ‘I must be under water. But if I’m under water then shouldn’t there be someone else around? Like a lifeguard or someone?' Panic slowly starts to settle in, and I realize if I don't get out of here soon I'll drown. I am quickly running out of breath; a fire burning in my lungs. ‘I’m drowning, I’m drowning. Where am I? Won't somebody save me? Will anybody find me?’ The burning sensation in my lungs making me dizzy. I try and swim up kicking and clawing. No matter how hard I try I don’t move; the surface neither getting nearer or farther. ‘This must be it I am going to die. Will somebody find me? Air, air, air I need air.’ Then black.

Slowly I start to regain consciousness and again I see another light. 'I can't still be under water? Can I?' So I open my eyes. I see strange people, people I don’t recognize. They are wearing masks, and gloves.

“Where, where am I?! Who are the **** are you people?”

“I’m Dr. Dan Cornmancer, you were having some sort of attack, we expect it was neurological but we’re still not 100% sure. We plan on keeping you over night to survey your vitals and make sure you don’t have another attack. Also we had to revive you. It seemed during you attack that you stopped breathing. Luckily your parents called us right away and we do't think there was any brain damage."

"Brain damage?! What the **** is going on? And you still haven't answered my first question. Where the hell am I?"

"You're in the hospital. Also after you are cleared to leave I will be contacting you and your parents to schedule a few therapy sessions. We think the attack may have been induced by some past traumatic event or events, but this is way to much to burden you with right now. All you need to do is rest, just incase you can't sleep we have given you a sleeping pill to help. You should come to in about 5 or 6 hours, and by then you should be able to leave. Your parents will be waiting, so when you wake up tell the nurse to get them."

I didn't hear the last part about my parents, it was starting to go black again. I tried to fight it, tried to stay awake, knowing that if I fall asleep something worse then before will plague my dreams. I fight, my eyes droop and I fall into another nightmare.
Scale


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Summit

Originally Posted by Guitarbaddie
Dude, she's like 12, what is wrong with you?



Originally Posted by RockGuitar92
You're the one who came on her face.

Last edited by xMarkx at Jul 15, 2010,
#3
"Thats when it first started. My name is Morgan Arkhem and this is my story."
That line makes it sound like a prologue. I say drop that, or make your chapter 1 a prologue. Just what I think though.
#4
Quote by burndttoast
"Thats when it first started. My name is Morgan Arkhem and this is my story."
That line makes it sound like a prologue. I say drop that, or make your chapter 1 a prologue. Just what I think though.


Chapter 1, prologue whatever. I still need to finish it in order to determine all my chapters first. I'll keep that in mind thought thanks
Scale


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Summit

Originally Posted by Guitarbaddie
Dude, she's like 12, what is wrong with you?



Originally Posted by RockGuitar92
You're the one who came on her face.

#5
The spelling and grammar were pretty distracting. Some things didn't make sense such as the doctor knowing that his attack was caused by some past trauma, especially considering that they didn't even know what the "attack" was.
#7
Quote by burndttoast
"Thats when it first started. My name is Morgan Arkhem and this is my story."
That line makes it sound like a prologue. I say drop that, or make your chapter 1 a prologue. Just what I think though.

this. maybe drop it? you can have some character(s) call the main guy Morgan to show thats his name but idk your choice really.

unrelated but also as a bad pun, i saw no poll option for 55
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#9
Quote by TheChaz
The spelling and grammar were pretty distracting. Some things didn't make sense such as the doctor knowing that his attack was caused by some past trauma, especially considering that they didn't even know what the "attack" was.


We think the attack may have been induced by some past traumatic event or events

That's what they said when I was actually in the hospital, or at least something along those lines. And i'm not using a word processor so.. Using hotmail.. Not my computer and i'd rather not have random people reading it.
Scale


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Originally Posted by Guitarbaddie
Dude, she's like 12, what is wrong with you?



Originally Posted by RockGuitar92
You're the one who came on her face.

#10
It needs The Nightman. I think I could fill that part quite nicely.

Joking aside, TS, if you're going to post your story for crit, you need to be open to what people have to say. Stand by your original post, and go with what they tell you or what you want. You don't have to refute people's opinion when you asked for them.
Last edited by blake1221 at Jul 15, 2010,
#11
Quote by Dirge Humani
Too short to be a chapter.



i started like 30 minutes ago...
Scale


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Summit

Originally Posted by Guitarbaddie
Dude, she's like 12, what is wrong with you?



Originally Posted by RockGuitar92
You're the one who came on her face.

#12
Very interesting but I thought that the way it started out (mainly the first sentence) and the way it ended (mainly the last sentence) were too cliche.
#14
At this Point, I say it should go full 360 and become a horror kind of thing surrounding a zombie apocalypse.

But then again I'm no writer.

Eh, if you were to keep writing I'd keep reading, but I fear commitment so I'm not gonna say more.
#15
Quote by Thejoker92
At this Point, I say it should go full 360 and become a horror kind of thing surrounding a zombie apocalypse.

But then again I'm no writer.

Eh, if you were to keep writing I'd keep reading, but I fear commitment so I'm not gonna say more.


I'll try. I started the next part. And if i don't get another chapter-like-thingy done by next week then expect no more.
Scale


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Summit

Originally Posted by Guitarbaddie
Dude, she's like 12, what is wrong with you?



Originally Posted by RockGuitar92
You're the one who came on her face.

#17
I didn't read any of it, but I feel that if Robert Cormier wrote I Am the Cheese during a coke binge, it would have ended up something like this.

edit: okay, I read some of it. did you just finish watching The Stand?
#18
Quote by MakinLattes
I didn't read any of it, but I feel that if Robert Cormier wrote I Am the Cheese during a coke binge, it would have ended up something like this.

edit: okay, I read some of it. did you just finish watching The Stand?


Never heard of it.
Scale


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Summit

Originally Posted by Guitarbaddie
Dude, she's like 12, what is wrong with you?



Originally Posted by RockGuitar92
You're the one who came on her face.

#20
Cornmancer

return 0;

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#21
Quote by Julz127
Cornmancer





Better than calling him, Dr. Ivan Pesterov... Maybe. *strokes chin thoughtfully*

TS: Keep it up. I read and I was intrigued, although it weirdly made me think of Shutter Island for some reason.

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There's no moral order at all.
There's just this:
Can my violence conquer yours?

-Shutter Island
#22
Quote by TheChaz
The spelling and grammar were pretty distracting.


This and the dialogue seems unbelievable; I'd imagine a doctor would be somewhat more well spoken. Ignoring the grammar, the writing style does seem a little cliché and as for the story, there isn't enough here for me to come up with any sort of judgment, but I don't see why it couldn't become a decent story; you can tell you've only spent 30 minutes on it though.
Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us - if at all - not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.
#23
Quote by xMarkx


Slowly I start to regain consciousness and again I see another light. 'I can't still be under water? Can I?' So I open my eyes. I see strange people, people I don’t recognize. They are wearing masks, and gloves.

“Where, where am I?! Who are the **** are you people?

“I’m Dr. Dan Cornmancer, you were having some sort of attack, we expect it was neurological but we’re still not 100% sure. We plan on keeping you over night to survey your vitals and make sure you don’t have another attack. Also we had to revive you. It seemed during you attack that you stopped breathing. Luckily your parents called us right away and we do't think there was any brain damage."

"Brain damage?! What the **** is going on? And you still haven't answered my first question. Where the hell am I?"

"You're in the hospital. Also after you are cleared to leave I will be contacting you and your parents to schedule a few therapy sessions. We think the attack may have been induced by some past traumatic event or events, but this is way to much to burden you with right now. All you need to do is rest, just incase you can't sleep we have given you a sleeping pill to help. You should come to in about 5 or 6 hours, and by then you should be able to leave. Your parents will be waiting, so when you wake up tell the nurse to get them."

I didn't hear the last part about my parents, it was starting to go black again. I tried to fight it, tried to stay awake, knowing that if I fall asleep something worse then before will plague my dreams. I fight, my eyes droop and I fall into another nightmare.


Suppose the bolded part wasn't intentional.

Dr. Cornmancer is somewhat incoherent.

Also, the doc says "You're in THE hospital." I think "You're in the <name of the hospital> hospital" would be better.

And... if it's semi-autobiographic... If you haven't heard the "last part about your parents", how do you know what Doctor Cornmancer said (underlined).

Besides that... I don't like (auto)biographies but could be interesting to people who like them. I give it a 3.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat. - Douglas Adams
Last edited by Psihodeliko at Jul 15, 2010,
#24
Too much dialouge, too few descriptions. Who is this Dr Cornmancer? You'd think he was talking out of thin air. Add some descriptions, is he one of the strange people in the masks? How does his voice sound like? Is he leaning over you, is he standing in the corner, is he doing the Macarena dance hanging from a chain from the ceiling?

Also the dialouge is way too... I dunno, explanatory. Make it more interesting. Instead of all of Cornmancer's lines, then all of your lines... mix it up! Make it sound like a normal conversation. If you read it out loud to yourself you will notice how strange it sounds.
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#25
Quote by Demon Wolf
Too much dialouge, too few descriptions. Who is this Dr Cornmancer? You'd think he was talking out of thin air. Add some descriptions, is he one of the strange people in the masks? How does his voice sound like? Is he leaning over you, is he standing in the corner, is he doing the Macarena dance hanging from a chain from the ceiling?

Also the dialouge is way too... I dunno, explanatory. Make it more interesting. Instead of all of Cornmancer's lines, then all of your lines... mix it up! Make it sound like a normal conversation. If you read it out loud to yourself you will notice how strange it sounds.


I think that a small number of descriptions can't be considered bad. It depends on you writing style.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat. - Douglas Adams
#26
I'm not saying it needs alot of them, I just think it feels too... I dunno.. "here's what happened!!"

I'd wish for a more subtle approach, leave some to the mind of the reader! Describe the scene... how does it look?

Just my opinion.
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"
#27
Its good if the only people who are going to be reading it are friends and family. Otherwise? Definitely too obviously amateur sounding imo. Not that thats a bad thing. Unless you really are a professional author or something.

Oh and the many spelling, grammar, and typo mistakes dont help you. Youve edited your post twice! Why not fix them ?
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#28
Quote by Demon Wolf
I'm not saying it needs alot of them, I just think it feels too... I dunno.. "here's what happened!!"

I'd wish for a more subtle approach, leave some to the mind of the reader! Describe the scene... how does it look?

Just my opinion.


Yes, good point there, mate.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat. - Douglas Adams
#29
The three main things that I think (in my opinion) need improving are repitition, repeated questioning and the way you have the doctor voiced.

Repitition should really only be used when you're trying to stress a point, or to add dramatic effect. In the first line, 'where...where' and 'am...am' are very close together and although you're giving the audience a sense that your character is confused, it also can lose your audience. Reptition is good when it is executed well. For example, your line "air, air, air, I need air" is good, and could be even better if you explained it more instead of just writing "Then black". Example; "Air, air, air, I need air".My lungs tore in my chest, screaming as my vision slowly faded to black. (Okay, so that wasn't the best example but you get the idea )

I found it irritating (no offence) during your piece where your character constantly questioned himself and his surroundings. Especially this line "‘I must be under water. But if I’m under water then shouldn’t there be someone else around? Like a lifeguard or someone" Maybe instead of using a lot of dialogue, you could break it up, perhaps something like "I must be underwater." I looked around for any sign of life, a lifeguard, anyone. But there was no one to be seen.

With the doctor, I doubt that he would give a patient who has just woken up that much information. If this was a real life experience of yours, I apologise.
Remember you are writing for an audience, not in a journal or diary. I'm thinking, to set the scene, perhaps you could have your character still in that state of paralyzed conciousness, to overhear the doctor talking to the nurse about your character's condition, then when he notices your character awake he gives him a little information. But the majority of the information should be told to the nurse.

Again, these are only my opinions on what I would do if I was writing this.
Good luck.

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Sinking, always sinking

#31
Quote by Pat_s1t
TL;DR.

Oh and SPOILER: Mark dies.


No, no I do not.
Scale


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Originally Posted by Guitarbaddie
Dude, she's like 12, what is wrong with you?



Originally Posted by RockGuitar92
You're the one who came on her face.

#32
In the opening couple paragraphs, sentence fragments instead of complete sentences can be your friend. And. More. Punctuation. Perhaps.

Example*


‘Where... Where am I?’ Vaguely remembering the night before, the drugs, the alcohol. The headache I now have. I open my eyes but my vision is obscured. I look around and I can’t really see. Arms won't move. Legs won't either. Damn. ‘Am..Am I paralyzed? At least my head moves. I try and look around. Nothing. I'm not breathing. Shit. I start opening my mouth, trickle of water pass through my lips.

Honestly, it needs alot of work.
#35
It sucked, but my name is Ben the Pencil Man, for future reference...

>.>

<.<


I didn't even read the OP lolz
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#36
I felt like you revealed too much. Moar metaphorical descriptions and hints, less "I knew I was going to drown, oh no."

Plz.
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#38
Mark, man, put more thought and time into your story. If you have the story worked out alredy and you truly believe other people will find it worth reading the only thing that should hold you back is you're ability to put said story on paper; seek advice, I've tried numerous times to write numerous short stories and novels and, because I've never been able to admit I even tried, I've never been able to show anyone my work and I ended up over critiquing myself and, ultimately, deleting the story. I'm not sober atm but hopefully you can pull some worth from this shit; just remember a story is for other people; let other people's opinions influence the story.
Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us - if at all - not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.
#40
There's a Writers Thread just for this stuff.
*-)
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