#1
Hey guys. Back again with another crap "poem". Tell me what you guys think. Any criticism will be accepted, constructive or not. Thanks.

"Temptation"

I lay awake,
Awaiting my dreamless sleep
In my head, some hope to keep.
My thoughts progress
As they usually do.
A constant reminder,
That what you said, was true.

I can't keep playing your game
It's not the traditional one
There is no winner
I'll always play the loser
Just where is the fun?

Refusing the temptation to hear you
Refusing the temptation to see you
Refusing the temptation to speak your name.
As the old saying goes...
"Hear no... See no... Speak no evil..."
#3
Thanks man. I appreciate it. Haha, oh I just call all my stuff "crap." it's just the way I am.
#5
I lay awake,
Awaiting my dreamless sleep
In my head, some hope to keep.
My thoughts progress
As they usually do.
A constant reminder,
That what you said, was true.

This sounds good. I just don't fully understand the
In my head, some hope to keep
part though. I'd like to understand though if you could clarify for me what it is referring to.

Also, is lay awake correct or is it supposed to be lie awake? I really don't know for sure so I'm basically just throwing it out there.


I can't keep playing your game
It's not the traditional one
There is no winner
I'll always play the loser
Just where is the fun?

I'll always play the loser
This line feels a bit redundant because of the one preceding it.


Refusing the temptation to hear you
Refusing the temptation to see you
Refusing the temptation to speak your name.
As the old saying goes...
"Hear no... See no... Speak no evil..."

I like it. No gripes here.

Overall, not too shabby. Keep up on writing.
#6
Is "In my head, some hope to keep" supposed to be reminiscent of "I pray the Lord my soul to keep" in the old kids' prayer? I like the sound of it.

I don't really like the wording of "the traditional one"... I'd think about ending that line with "fun" and finding something else for the last line. I'd agree with the post above that the "winner" and "loser" lines are a bit redundant, but I think they'd sound really good if you fleshed them out by making the phrasing or feeling different, rather than just getting rid of one or the other.

"Refusing the temptation..." sounds good. Nice stuff!
#7
Thanks guys for all the great comments. I'll look into fixing them all. Also, the "in my head, some hope to keep" is me dealing with a very sudden break up, hoping she comes back. I dunno. Seemed to fit what I was feeling at the time.
#8
wow. this poem really gets to me since i went through the same thing and every line fits what happened. Also, i agree with hjou49c with the "traditional one" line. i think its oddly worded and out of place
#9
I also agree with the "traditional one" comment, I think you should replace it with something. Other than that it was good mate.