#1
your touch, my dear,

[
leaves tumbling
from tree-
top blown to
here and
there
by
caramel air
bree-zing
kissing
our cheeks
our lips
our
one-
li
ne
ss
]


tranquility.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
I think I like the word "oneliness".

I picture the first and last lines sung, and the bit in brackets whispered. I'm not sure if I have anything to suggest... if it's a song, what kind of style is it meant to be? I like the atmosphere of it though. Best of luck!
#3
I love this. I love it. I can feel it. So weird reading a love poem from you but this just... m-e-l-t-s
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
Its amazing to say the least. I imagine the part in brackets is a brief description of what you feel when you think of their touch. Yet, once it comes down to it, the only word that you say is tranquility and that is great
Just because Lil Wayne sold a million albums doesn't make him good. It just means a million idiots bought his album.
#5
Thanks everyone. Yes Saadia, I feel strange writing a love poem. It always makes me feel really creepy so I generally don't do it.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Personally, what I liked the most was the idea of caramel air, and (I can't believe I'm saying this) the visual aspect. I usually find pieces with a visual element to be well-worn and tacky, but it worked here. That being said, it didn't hit hard (I don't even know if you wanted it to). It was a snippet of a nice little moment in someone's life. I guess that's not a complaint, just a comment. Overall, I liked it, but I'm not in love with it.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1339151
#8
hmm... I like the idea here. it specially works with the theme of love for the nature of it (one seems to have trouble expressing it, etc.) now:

[ leaves tumbling from treetop blown to here and there by caramel air breezing kissing our cheeks our lips our oneliness ]

"from treetop" sounds akward to me, maybe because its a singular noun, idk, it would sound more natural in plural to me; why treetop? actually why the top part?— "blown to here" after that also sticks out a little bit, i'd say its the "to" or just the structure of the sentence.

the linebreaks end in strange places at times. the "one- / li / ne / ss" is particularly weird. props for using such word, though.

i did enjoy this as a whole, just a bit of nitpicking.

#10
I like it because it reminds me of two lovers, just engrossed in each other on a warm spring day... It's so visual, and sensual... I just really really like.