#1
the sun is at a slant when i step to the platform
low enough
to leave you a backlit halo
i can smell your hair burning
and the torch at your back
i'm not a monster
not a monster

the silence is appalling and it shows no sign of stalling
long enough
to burn all my words at the stake
is it so much to ask
for you to walk by my side?
i'm not a monster
not a monster

my flesh is too soft, and my blood is hot and red
you can look, but you'll never find horns on my head
the ground doesn't shake beneath my feet, but I rattle your bones instead
i'm not a monster
not a monster

the old row houses cast their shadows, leading our way home
it's dark enough
that a flashbulb could raise the dead
i want to so badly
to see my city in the light
i'm not a monster
not a monster

---

EDIT: changed "is" to "it". Just a typo. Thanks!
Last edited by hjou49c at Jul 20, 2010,
#2
The words are appealing in an asthetic sense but, I don't really get the underlying message here. Just remember that I'm not you. As a writer you need to throw me a bone here and there to show me, the reader, what you are talking about.
#3
Thanks, I think I have a tendency toward being less explicit - which works well for things only I'm going to read, but not so much for things that end up here.

What I was going for was, being in a bad place in a relationship, where you've been vilified, with "monster" replacing any other awful word that you call a person you're fighting with in the heat of the moment. Specifically, here I was thinking about someone coming home from work, and feeling like the person they're going home with is just waiting for some reason to attack them (hence, torch for a monster). Specifically: first verse, getting off the bus home and seeing the person you care about, and feeling like they're already against you; second verse, walking home in silence, feeling like anything you say will set things off; third verse, getting home, it already being dark, and wishing you could go have a happy day in the light instead of coming home at dark.

Thanks for the feedback!
#4
Quote by hjou49c
the sun is at a slant when i step to the platform
low enough
to leave you a backlit halo
i can smell your hair burning
and the torch at your back
i'm not a monster
not a monster

I like that you've gone with a "black lit" halo; good contrast idea. A suggestion would be to change "and the torch at your back". I don't know how a torch be at your back, but what do i know?

the silence is appalling and is shows no sign of stalling
long enough
to burn all my words at the stake
is it so much to ask
for you to walk by my side?
i'm not a monster
not a monster

"I'm not a monster not a monster" sounds like something that would get me hooked. Keep that.

my flesh is too soft, and my blood is hot and red
you can look, but you'll never find horns on my head
the ground doesn't shake beneath my feet, but I rattle your bones instead
i'm not a monster
not a monster

By this point, i've got the message. I'd say you should replace hot for a more descriptive word but then if it suits you, leave it.

the old row houses cast their shadows, leading our way home
it's dark enough
that a flashbulb could raise the dead
i want to so badly
to see my city in the light
i'm not a monster
not a monster

I love that first line! Creates a strange image in my head. And although I didn't really understand what it meant first time reading, it was enjoyable!


Keep it up.
#5
Whoa...how you explained it and how I read it were way off. I thought of one of two things while reading this: A lynching by the kkk, and the guy recognizes someone or like a salem witchhunt and the lines rotate between the accused and the accuser.(i like the 2nd idea better.) First would be the accuser/villain, second line victim, 3rd victim, and the 4 the accuser/villain again after it's over.

I thought it was well written either way, and you didn't give so many details away as to what it was about which my mind take off. I may have read into it a bit too much, but that's where my mind took me and I liked that storyline I guess.
#6
the sun is at a slant when i step to the platform
low enough
to leave you a backlit halo
i can smell your hair burning
and the torch at your back
i'm not a monster
not a monster

Nice imagery. I read your explanation of the song, but I prefer just making up my own story.

the silence is appalling and is shows no sign of stalling
long enough
to burn all my words at the stake
is it so much to ask
for you to walk by my side?
i'm not a monster
not a monster

You probably mean 'and IT shows no sign...' I like the repeated line at the end, I'd be intereted to see what sort of song this would be.

my flesh is too soft, and my blood is hot and red
you can look, but you'll never find horns on my head
the ground doesn't shake beneath my feet, but I rattle your bones instead
i'm not a monster
not a monster

The ground doesn't shake beneath my feet, I rattle your bones instead.. great line. Favourite of the song. Would this be a metal song? The imagery is quite explicit for any other genre I think

the old row houses cast their shadows, leading our way home
it's dark enough
that a flashbulb could raise the dead
i want to so badly
to see my city in the light
i'm not a monster
not a monster

I really like this verse, a few good lines. Good flow. Overall a good piece, I would listen to this if it were a decent song
#7
Thanks for the feedback, it's not metal, just a short acoustic song (clocks in just over 2 minutes, the way I play it - I'm not much for instrumental breaks). I'm a big fan of strong imagery with fairly simple acoustic background. Chords I've been using are:

the sun is at a slant when i step to the platform (D-G)
low enough (Em)
to leave you a backlit halo (A)
i can smell your hair burning (D)
and the torch at your back (G)
i'm not a monster (D-A)
not a monster (D)

and

my flesh is too soft, and my blood is hot and red (Em-G)
you can look, but you'll never find horns on my head (Em-A)
the ground doesn't shake beneath my feet, but I rattle your bones instead (Em-G)
i'm not a monster (Em-A)
not a monster (D)

In response to Alkaline 64 - "torch at your back" is meant to be like, "you have a torch hidden behind you, ready to burn me, but the joke's on you because it's burning your hair and I can smell it" - I thought it worked better than "behind your back" but maybe it's too unclear.
#8
This is an excellent piece. In the way that I read it I kind of perceived it as the repeated lines were acting as a reminder to the writer as well that he isn't a monster. Some great imagery is used in this and the "rattle your bones" line was amazing. Great job.
#10
Quote by hjou49c
the sun is at a slant when i step to the platform
low enough
to leave you a backlit halo
i can smell your hair burning
and the torch at your back
i'm not a monster
not a monster

I like this. Although I agree with the person prior, about the line 'And the torch at your back', just throw a few ideas around, not only writing them, but speaking and singing. It helps you find something that naturally flows.

the silence is appalling and is shows no sign of stalling
long enough
to burn all my words at the stake
is it so much to ask
for you to walk by my side?
i'm not a monster
not a monster

I'm unsure as to whether the 'is' is a grammatical mistake. This is my favourite stanza/Verse (You said its a song, right ) I especially like the burning at the stake line It fits in well.

my flesh is too soft, and my blood is hot and red
you can look, but you'll never find horns on my head
the ground doesn't shake beneath my feet, but I rattle your bones instead
i'm not a monster
not a monster

I like the change in the layout, it adds something new to the piece. Im also like the use of the ending lines 'Monster'. Its an interesting spin on things, as you've kept the lines rather than the format as a constant, when its usually the other away around. As well as this, keeping the same lines is done quite commonly, but this kept me interested.

the old row houses cast their shadows, leading our way home
it's dark enough
that a flashbulb could raise the dead
i want to so badly
to see my city in the light
i'm not a monster
not a monster

I like this, a fitting end. I also, now that I think about it, like the constant references to light and dark, Its good. Even if its unintentionall, it still is very good. It reminds me of Sophocles' adaption of Oedipus the King, and the repetitive references to sight and blindness.


Crit mine, perhaps ?

I know I haven't been much help at all, but it would mean alot

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1340494
#11
I thought the imagery was excellent. I really loved the way you said the sun made a backlit halo. The piece was just too vague. I never could grasp what it was really about.
#12
Quote by hjou49c
the sun is at a slant when i step to the platform
low enough
to leave you a backlit halo
i can smell your hair burning
and the torch at your back
i'm not a monster
not a monster

the silence is appalling and it shows no sign of stalling
long enough
to burn all my words at the stake
is it so much to ask
for you to walk by my side?
i'm not a monster
not a monster

my flesh is too soft, and my blood is hot and red
you can look, but you'll never find horns on my head
the ground doesn't shake beneath my feet, but I rattle your bones instead
i'm not a monster
not a monster

the old row houses cast their shadows, leading our way home
it's dark enough
that a flashbulb could raise the dead
i want to so badly
to see my city in the light
i'm not a monster
not a monster

---

EDIT: changed "is" to "it". Just a typo. Thanks!


I like the wording, but the line "you can look, but you'll never find horns on my head" feels a bit awkward to me, I like it, but at the same time it feels eh. I don't know what it is, probably just a personal thing for me.
I loved the second verse, especially the line "is it too much to ask for you to walk by my side?". Although, I'd say the piece overall feels a bit cloudy as to what exactly is going on/happening.