#1
there's a girl i met somewhere
in her mother's slip, playing pretend
successfully wooing every male
dashing across the brown carpet in the living room
each one at eye level with the table, just as she was
at least, they would be if they were real.
she'd see her face in the mirror and suck in her cheeks
and draw people much skinnier than they should ever be

and
there's a woman that i know now
that wants to bottle to warmth of her lover
stick it under her pillow to avoid the invasion
of dreams of other men
so she can stop scrubbing so hard in the shower
and crying in puddles of rain.


i am everything i wanted to be as a child
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
No big suggestions pop out for me, other than keep them coming!

I do find the word "male" a little too formal for the feeling of the lines around it, although considering the content in the second verse, maybe that's what you're going for. I would have thought "boy" but maybe that sounds a little too simple.

Good stuff!
#3
Excellent work as always.
Just because Lil Wayne sold a million albums doesn't make him good. It just means a million idiots bought his album.
#5
This was excellent, Saadia. Really, I loved it.

I'm sorry I haven't given you anything more than that - my new dog is incredibly difficult to deal with lol - but I still wanted to say how much I appreciate you posting here and how much you've improved.
#6
I enjoy the transition between both paragraphs. It seems a lot more simple and raw than the other pieces you've done recently. Seems very real and personal, like stumbling across somone's diary. Almost a bit too intimate, but you read on anyways.

I'm almost put off by it, as in I don't know what my reaction is supposed to be. It definately can make someone feel uncomfortable. Which with your writing, is an awesome power to have.
#7
Congratulations, Saadia. You know I haven't had anything useful to offer on your work for ages and I intend to continue being useless. Love and
#10
I had meant to drop a word on this all week but wasn't quite sure what to say. The second stanza is powerful. You're one of the best writers on here right now, Saadia.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#11
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! my first wotw!!!!!!! thank you so much!! honestly you guys dont know how happy this makes me hehehe

also thank you so much for the kind words, everyone. I still have so many things to learn and see and do and becoming a better writer is one of them, and I wouldn't have stuck with it for so long if I didn't have this kind of support from you sweet sweet people
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
I know that many of these things go unnoticed by the vast population - because everyone is eager to drive their cars and eat the animals and love images of people, but being under the hood, in the slaughterhouse, in the bathroom or the kitchen while the creation or destruction (sometimes we confuse them) are happening - this is unwarranted, unfathomable. And we can ignore them, because the end result is in our blood, and the ends justify the means. Those standing outside the door, they don't matter. That's right, we don't. We are the naive. This isn't 20th century war crimes, after all, this is life. This is Control. This is giving in to that voice, the one you can depend on when everyone else abandons you - and they will, because no one has the stamina that it has, the she has, that you have. And all the scalding showers will never make you clean enough, all the hats and scarves and coats will never cover up all that you will have to hide from the world.

But no matter how hard it pushes, no matter what it says, no matter what the mirror reveals (because they lie, too) - it is not love. And not your tears, abstinence nor your stomach acid will solve that conundrum.
Last edited by spike_8bkp at Jul 26, 2010,
#14
Quote by spike_8bkp
I know that many of these things go unnoticed by the vast population - because everyone is eager to drive their cars and eat the animals and love images of people, but being under the hood, in the slaughterhouse, in the bathroom or the kitchen while the creation or destruction (sometimes we confuse them) are happening - this is unwarranted, unfathomable. And we can ignore them, because the end result is in our blood, and the ends justify the means. Those standing outside the door, they don't matter. That's right, we don't. We are the naive. This isn't 20th century war crimes, after all, this is life. This is Control. This is giving in to that voice, the one you can depend on when everyone else abandons you - and they will, because no one has the stamina that it has, the she has, that you have. And all the scalding showers will never make you clean enough, all the hats and scarves and coats will never cover up all that you will have to hide from the world.

But no matter how hard it pushes, no matter what it says, no matter what the mirror reveals (because they lie, too) - it is not love. And not your tears, abstinence nor your stomach acid will solve that conundrum.


That was approximately twelve-thousand times more moving than the WoTW.
#15
Quote by spike_8bkp
I know that many of these things go unnoticed by the vast population - because everyone is eager to drive their cars and eat the animals and love images of people, but being under the hood, in the slaughterhouse, in the bathroom or the kitchen while the creation or destruction (sometimes we confuse them) are happening - this is unwarranted, unfathomable. And we can ignore them, because the end result is in our blood, and the ends justify the means. Those standing outside the door, they don't matter. That's right, we don't. We are the naive. This isn't 20th century war crimes, after all, this is life. This is Control. This is giving in to that voice, the one you can depend on when everyone else abandons you - and they will, because no one has the stamina that it has, the she has, that you have. And all the scalding showers will never make you clean enough, all the hats and scarves and coats will never cover up all that you will have to hide from the world.

But no matter how hard it pushes, no matter what it says, no matter what the mirror reveals (because they lie, too) - it is not love. And not your tears, abstinence nor your stomach acid will solve that conundrum.



WRITE A FUCKING BOOK and sell it to me, now.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black