#1
Ancy dreams are bristling like thistle through my head
Like eight years in the dustbowl
And breathing in the death

Purple sheets of yesterday are vivid through my eyes
Interrupting reruns of
"Why Not to Stay Inside"

Others' eyes have teeth that curl
Right into a grin
I got those ugly Ukraine eyes
I'll sleep for just a while

It's time to crack the shades
And throw some lies out to the cold
'Bout why my shoes can't leave the floor--
They're scared of getting old

Drew in scents from shirts you wore
That smell like orange blossom still.

I'm gonna lay down for a while,
'Cause there's still an empty bag for smiles.
Last edited by Chaingarden at Jul 17, 2010,
#2
This is rather interesting, I do like how you incorporated colors into the song too.

My only complaint is the 3rd stanza seems a little messy.

"Others' eyes have teeth like that curl /Into a grin"
The word 'like' really threw me off there and the sentence seems a little confusing.

I just think that stanza needs a little more depth and rewording, but other than that this is a really strong piece.

-Justin
Quote by ErikLensherr
Don't belittle it like that, your mom produces top quality stuff.



C4C
[thread="1339859"]Hammerhead[/thread]
[thread="1341152"]Anglerfish[/thread]

VOTE
Thrustor: 2012
#3
Quote by vicarious46
This is rather interesting, I do like how you incorporated colors into the song too.

My only complaint is the 3rd stanza seems a little messy.

"Others' eyes have teeth like that curl /Into a grin"
The word 'like' really threw me off there and the sentence seems a little confusing.

I just think that stanza needs a little more depth and rewording, but other than that this is a really strong piece.

-Justin


Oh, haha, that was a total typo. I was working that into a simile and forgot to get rid of "like" when I decided against it. Thanks man.
#4
This gave off an "unrefined' vibe, truthfully. I felt like it was choppy. I hated "Ancy", it's a very very awkward word to say or even think. I also particularly didn't like "That smell like orange blossom still."

In my opinion, your phrasing needs some work. I'd try to focus on that in particular, because this has some definite rough spots. Also, you seem to have switched back and forth between using a rhyme scheme and not using one, and it's kind of annoying.

On the plus side, you had some pretty language here and there. It wasn't terrible, I know I said a bunch of negative things just now but it definitely wasn't completely unenjoyable.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
I thought it was alright. Not a bad effort, just didn't jump out to me in any way. Guess I didn't really feel a whole lot of connection, but maybe that's just me.

'Bout why my shoes can't leave the floor--
They're scared of getting old


I did enjoy this though. I thought it was just a great phrase.
#6
Yeah, this was supposed to be an account of a guy whose dreams are seeping into real life, and it's making him paranoid and lonely. I think it was probably a better idea than it actually is in execution. Oh well, as Les Claypool might say, they can't all be zingers. Thanks for lookin though, I appreciate it!

I do have another one on here that I think is better ("Last Stand at New Alamo") if you guys are interested.