#1
C4C

This isn't finished yet, but I'd love to hear your opinion on what's here.

Edit: I've updated it with a full draft. The italic parts are by a female singer, the rest is male. When two lines are put together like this (line 1/line 2), it means they're sung together, and if a part is bold, both the male and female singer sing it.

Innocence is fleeting, beauty is a mess;
a sinner becomes a saint when they don their sundays best.
Half will get you nothing, the joke's on us again;
what you call a new beginning tastes just like the end.

Prove to me you existed, I find it hard to believe,
because perfection lasts forever, a god would never leave.

We're much too complex, we're nothing at all,
all emotions are implied, all actions are default.
What if I'm sick of waiting, what if I don't believe in fate;
what if I'm second guessing, what if I'm second place?

Prove to me you existed, I find it hard to believe,
because perfection lasts forever, my god would never leave me
hanging by a thread that I had to buy myself,
I knew you'd never catch me, and yet I bet my health,

On us, on me,
on you.

On us, on me,
on you.

It's us, it's me,
it's you.

It's me, it's me,
it's me.

Dreams laden with ecstasy,
eyes weighed down with brilliance;
my personal strain of reality,
too perfect for civilians.

(Innocence is fleeting / Dreams laden with exstasy)
(beauty is a mess / eyes weighed down with brilliance)
(this sinner's sick of waiting / my personal heroin)
(so let's give it our best / too addictive for the rest)

Prove to me you existed, I find it hard to believe,
because perfection lasts forever, my god would never leave me

(Dream / hanging by a thread that I had to buy myself)
(of innocence / I knew you'd never catch me, and yet I bet my health)

On you.
Last edited by herby190 at Jul 18, 2010,
#2
I'm liking where you're going with this man. I like how you play on words and with cliche's, it helps the reader connect and grasp how you feel.

"a sinner becomes a saint when they don their sundays best." This is probably one of my favorite lines.

Good work, keep it up!

-Justin


Feel free to read this and leave some advice
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1335840
Quote by ErikLensherr
Don't belittle it like that, your mom produces top quality stuff.



C4C
[thread="1339859"]Hammerhead[/thread]
[thread="1341152"]Anglerfish[/thread]

VOTE
Thrustor: 2012
#4
Well, I'm impressed. Couldn't find a thing wrong. O.o

I'm liking where you're going with this man. I like how you play on words and with cliche's, it helps the reader connect and grasp how you feel.

AGREED.
I love it. <3
#5
I thought it was cool, every but the "on you, on me" those few lines seemed too short and not very chorusey. But i havent heard the instrumentals.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....