#1
This is something i wrote bored at work with the intention of it being a song, but I'm not so sure now.

On Summer Hill

Slow goes the train ridden alone,
Back to a wife, a dog, some kids and a home,
And on this trip he dreams of the days,
When his wife was still beautiful, his dog still faithful, and his kids weren't such little shits.
Everytime he looks out the train car window,
He sees his life in a series of moving pictures,
That when played successively form a loosely tied narrative that couldn't hold a soul.
After reflecting on this for a while he pulls his last cigarette from his pack,
delicatly placing it between his bloodless lips,
And as he goes to cup the lighter , he hesitates as if to say
"I hope this dynamite blows me all the way to heaven or some other make believe town."
With this the train pulls into the station and the man shuffles home,
Each step imagining a new scenario in which he doesn't make it to the door,
However, not a car, not a man with a gun would stop him,
and as he arrives to his home,
The home with the ugly wife, the unfaithful dog, and the ****ing kids,
he sees his wife with her old grey eyes, open the door and she yells,
"I want out, I want out, I want out, I want out now."
ED REED BABY
#2
Hey there man, i was wondering if you would mind me trying to put chords to this song?
#3
For me, it started off a little weird. First couple lines rhyme and then this shows up -

When his wife was still beautiful, his dog still faithful, and his kids weren't such little shits.


The rhyming scheme which I thought would carry takes an abrupt end. The flow kind of dissipates. But, I feel like it works.

After reading the first three lines I thought this piece was going to take shape over time. I like how with the arrival of the fourth line the tone is set I guess you could say in a jarring manner. You can feel its arrival. I still am up in the air about how the kids are described though. I feel like something could read better.

The rest of it reads very well. I like a lot of the words used. Paints a great picture. But I am uncertain about the dialogue at the end. I don't like the way it closes as far as word choice. If you like it the way it is I think you should stick with it though.
#4
"When his wife was still beautiful, his dog still faithful, and his kids weren't such little shits."

Great line! Great writing all together in my opinion, but this line is awesome- it's so raw and valid!!
#5
Artemisery- yea dude go for it.

Jordan89R- I completely agree with your critique, after writing this the way i described the kids and the dialogue at the end both hit me as something that i would like to change but so far i have yet to think of anything that I'd rather put there. But thanks for reading it.

dotheFlop- thanks man i do wanna change little shits to something that flows better, but i'm still looking for words that would flow without taking away the meaning of the line.
ED REED BABY
#6
If you want to change the "little shits" to something else then go for it, but I think it's got great imagery to it. I always thought the whole meaning was the abrupt jerk in the flow with the "little shits" to have a little pause for a second for the piece to be expanded from..

I also think "little shits" has clear description and imagery from the narratives perspective because it seems very fitting and well placed to me as something that flows well with the narrators style of dialect.