#1
C4C. just something i wrote while out on the lake a few days ago, still needs much revising and some changes in rhyme scheme but i figured I'd post it.

All counterparts flow with the seasons,
with summer comes love,
and with love comes reasons,
a word, a mask, artificial emotion,
a mask for hormoanality and chemical commotion,
land on your lover, she loathes for anyone's skin,
let out a sign, a sign to begin.

Sweat, heat, masculinity,
the hunt, the kill,
temperature severity,
purpose something only she'd like to know,
mate, reproduce, watch your spawn grow,
transcend the gene pool,
the hottest months have past ran away with the light,
catch yourself scoffing as opportunity says goodnight.

Vibes carried only by blankets of humidity,
leave no more moisture just you and me,
the sun dies down, we'll both sink like anchors,
teach me my lesson, your my personal killer,
if you left anything for me, it must have been the cankers.

I want you to change
I want you to change
I want you to change,
as much as the seasons.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
Last edited by Ir a+infinitive at Jul 18, 2010,
#2
There's a few parts that need to be changed in the interest on keeping a solid flow. For example:

"Sweat, heat, masculinity,
the hunt, the kill,
temperature severity,"

The second and third line are much too long to match the first.

Also, it would most likely flow much better without these two lines:

"transcend the gene pool,"

and

"teach me my lesson, your my personal killer,"

They both just feel like they're extra, and interrupt the piece.

You've got a lot of nice imagery though; I especially like the first stanza.
#3
I actually found the flow to be very nice. Even in the above sections. I really enjoyed it. Keep it up.
#4
Being really nitpicky here, but "your my personal killer", should be "you're my personal killer" that doesnt actually matter much, but i can't seem to find anything else i'd change in it, besides i dont find "transcend the gene pool," fitting, really.. unless you come up with some type of character trait or something that would transcend the gene pool, otherwise, im not sure about that line contributing anything to the piece but an extra line to read.
"All counterparts flow with the seasons,
with summer comes love,
and with love comes reasons," this i love.
Keep it up.