Yeah just some jokes. Either hard to understand, sick minded, whatever. I just wanna hear some.

There's a cucumber, pickle, and a penis.
The cucumber says, "I HATE MY LIFE. When i grow up, they cut me up and put me in a salad and eat me!"
The pickle says, "my life is worst man, they put me in sour water for days and they take me out later and put me in burgers."

The penis says
my life is the worst, when i get hard they put a plastic bag over my head, and throw me in a dark cave and hit my head against the wall till i throw up
Two birds are flying,one of them falls the other says:I like strawberries.
Quote by tattyreagh
He's the hero The Pit deserves but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. GbAdimDb5m7.

Free Jani92jani

Free Will Swanson
What's the difference between a bunch of dead babies and frozen peas?

Dead babies don't fall off the grill
"They don't think it be like it is, but it do." - Oscar Gamble

Follow me on the tweet machine. I tweet about interesting things like the weather and what I ate for breakfast.
There's a guy driving down the road, and his car breaks down near a farm, so he goes to the farm house and asks the people there if he can spend the night. The owner says its fine, but tells the man that he will have to sleep in the farmer's daughter's room, and that he will put some eggs between the daugher and the man. If the eggs are broken in the morning, he will know that the man and the daugher got it on during the night.
So the man is led up to the room and bid a good night. He lays down in the bed, and sees the daughter, who is just a drop dead gorgeous girl. He can't help himself, so he rolls over and has sex with her, breaking all the eggs in the process. Early in the morning, the daugher wakes up and glues the eggs back together perfectly, because she had such a good time with the man. The farmer comes in later, and wakes the two of them up. He sees that the eggs are not broken and takes them downstairs to make breakfast with them. He cracks an egg on the edge of the skillet, and nothing comes out. He cracks a second egg, and still nothing. He cracks a third egg and when nothing comes out he says "Damn chickens must be using rubbers again."
how many babies does it take to paint a wall?

depends on how hard you throw them

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?

depends on how thin you slice them

What's better than finding five dead babie sin one trash can?

Finding one dead baby in five trash cans

How are hay and babies the same?

You get them off the truck with a pitchfork

How do you get a baby out of a blender?

With tortilla chips
Why did the pervert cross the road?

'Cos his cock was up the chicken's arse
"You're a twat!"- That dude in morrisons

"You Ugly git!" - That girl in the restaurant

"You Were a Mistake!" - Mum

just a few of my fans..

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

It was a blind date.

100 nuns are called together in a church meeting, in the sancuary. The head nun steps up a declares that she found a condom in the convent.
99 of the nuns *gasp
And one *giggles
The head nun contenue's, "I believe it belongs to the priest."
again 99 of the nuns *gasp.
and only one *giggles.
Then the head nun says that there was a hole in the condom.
99 of the nuns burst out laughing.
and one says, "Oh Shit"

Oh, you meant like the j----

Well, this was a hilarious misunderstanding!

I write songs.
Currently Requiring Crits:
Quote by killer puppy
why did the penis cross the road?

to get to the other VAGINAAAA

Jon Lajoie.
You're using UG classic, congratulations.
You should be using UG classic.

E-Married to Guitar0Player

http://the llama forum because its gone forever which sucks and I hate it.
There was this guy and he was with this girl and they were talking and then TS came.

lolololo he came.
Quote by Pleasure2kill
The truth is, Muslims never apologized for their faith having something to do with the attacks on 9/11.
What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree onto your head it would kill you?


A pool table.
kill all humans
How do you prevent yourself from being robbed by a Mexican?




Put everything on the top shelf! (Its funny bc I'm a tall Mexican...

... ... ... tall for a Mexican )
Quote by Grundy0
Never forget what really matters in life, friends and family.
Team Pale Yellow?
| | (oo) | |

Mom <3
How many retards does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?

100. One to stir and 99 to peel the M&M's.
kill all humans
2 women are riding bikes one day and are conversing. During the ride, 1 woman decides that they should take a different route. As they're riding they go over a cobblestone path and it's all kinds of bumpy. The first woman says, "I never came this way" to which the other replies "It's the stones."
Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

If your driving down the highway in a canoe, and one of your wheels falls off, how many pancakes does it take to fill a doghouse?

None, because ice cream doesn't have any bones
Buddha walked up to a hotdog vendor and said "Make me one with everything."
Quote by Nomack
Next hendrix is like a a sidesplitting triumph of slapstick and scatology, a runaway moneymaker and budding franchise, the worst thing to happen to Kazakhstan since the Mongol hordes, and, a communist.

This is my sig!