#1
you left your coat by the door.
it’s the middle of december.
my stomach's hit the floor
and you’re probably pretty cold outside.
i’d run it out to you if you hadn’t left so.
eagerly.
so i’ll set it in the back of the closet.
where i won’t ever see.

it’s warm in the room but i’m still shaking like it’s the first time.
i’ve still got plenty to say but i’m running out of lines.
i’m hardly sleeping and got a sick of the worst kind.
i’ve got watch but got no time.
i’m patient.
but i’m not fine.

are you hurting in your head yet?
are you making room at the edge of your cold bed?
are you hoping that i left yet?
cause i haven’t set a foot off your doorstep.

just give me a moment.
i’ll give you quite a few.
i’ll keep my hand warm.
and my touch gentle for you.


i’ve got a watch but no time.
i’ve been patient.
but i haven’t been too fine.
i’ve got a heart in here somewhere.
but no love of any kind.
Last edited by Coheed777 at Jul 27, 2010,
#2
i think this is really good. great expression of emotions..i like the picture you're painting
Quote by evening_crow
As far as i know the only liquor that should not be stored after opened is wine, and even then it's mainly the french one. American wine usually has conservatives in it to stop this.
#4
Quote by the_wassel
Lyrics are really good tonight.

This is great, man.


Thanks, much appreciated dude.
I'll gladly C4C for anyone, just throwing that out there.
#5
Wow man, really heartfelt.

it’s warm in the room but i’m still shaking like it’s the first time.
i’ve still got plenty to say but i’m running out of lines.

These two lines possibly make the entire peice stand out as exceptional to me.
Is this meant to be a song, or a poem by the way?
#6
This looks familiar!

First stanza is fleshed out from your older post - no complaints, I like what you've done with it, and I still love "eagerly".

Second stanza, nice, no complaints, I like "got a sick".

Third stanza, sounds good, I would maybe get rid of "cause". I'm not sure about the flow, because I read the first verse as the person leaving the speaker's house, so the image of the speaker on the other person's doorstep is a little surprising. Unless they live together. Or I'm overanalyzing. Either way, it sounds good.

Fourth stanza, sounds nice, I'm not partial to "keep my touch gentle for you" - it's softer phrasing than I like, I'd lean toward "bed warm" or "door open" or something more definite, but that's a personal thing, so if you like it then by all means keep it.

Fifth stanza, nice, good ending.

Good stuff, keep it up.

C4C
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1338855
#7
I have to agree, I like what looks like the second verse the best. This piece is very simple yet very elegant. Despite the fact that I dont understand what the line "Ill give you quite a few" in the fourth stanza means, I think it displays what youre trying to say perfectly.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24759900#post24759900
Your mother likes it ruff, Trebeck.
#8
Is it supposed to be "by" in the first line instead of "be"? That seems like it would make more sense.

You've got some great stuff here. The first two lines hit really hard, in a totally perfect way. You say so much with such simplicity there. I love it.

One thing, though...it seems like trying to rhyme impedes your message sometimes. Mostly, you do it well, but there's a few places where the words feel jumbled. Perhaps go back and see what happens if you don't force yourself to rhyme quite as much. Also, I would suggest getting rid of the "rhythm but no rhyme" line. It's cliche, and adds probably nothing.

If you record this (or have recorded it), I would like to hear it. It feels like something I would listen to.
kill all humans
#9
very beuno amigo.
"it’s warm in the room but i’m still shaking like it’s the first time.
i’ve still got plenty to say but i’m running out of lines.
i’m hardly sleeping and got a sick of the worst kind.
i’ve got watch but got no time.
i’m patient.
but i’m not fine."
me favorite paragraph.

i look forward to more.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
#10
Quote by Pyrest
Wow man, really heartfelt.

it’s warm in the room but i’m still shaking like it’s the first time.
i’ve still got plenty to say but i’m running out of lines.

These two lines possibly make the entire peice stand out as exceptional to me.
Is this meant to be a song, or a poem by the way?


To be honest, I don't really know exactly what I call it.
When I write, I don't really set out to make something a poem, or a song, just my emotions on paper and a natural rhythm kind of occurs.
I do intend to hopefully make it into a song though now, after fiddling with it a bit.
and thanks for the feedback man, means alot.


And as to the meaning behind the line "give me a moment, I'll give you quite a few."
Basically what I was trying to say was "you might just give me a moment or two, but i'd give you days"
That kind of vibe, essentially.

And apologies for taking so long to return the crits, have been super busy lately and haven't spent much time on the computer, aha.
Let me know if I missed any!
Last edited by Coheed777 at Jul 27, 2010,
#11
Quote by Coheed777
To be honest, I don't really know exactly what I called it.
When I write, I don't really set out to make something a poem, or a song, just my emotions on paper and a natural rhythm kind of occurs.
I do intend to hopefully make it into a song though now, after fiddling with it a bit.
and thanks for the feedback man, means alot.


Anytime. Just be sure to let me know when it's finished.