#1
i called collect from the payphone
six blocks from your house;
thumbing the quarters in my pocket
while you decided if you wanted
what you didn't want when you said,
"don't bother/you can't fight it.
we'll burn out like roman candles
if all it takes is the right match to light it."

and still you wear me like your father
wears the lipstick stains on his collar,
a little ashamed, but too tired to bother
hiding it. i wouldn't even try.

so i came in wet
(from the rain)
stood on your porch
practicing my li(n)es.
you spoke through
the screen-door, always
afraid to get too close.
"aren't you a sight for eyesores?"
(you aren't as clever as i
make you out to be,
but i could probably say
the same about me.)
and i was/wasn't in love
with you anyway but
either way comes the dawn
and we're left feeling like
an atom bomb,
a thousand little molecules
being pulled apart
(or pushed together
i was never really sure
exactly how it worked.)

take cover.
#2
i thoroughly enjoyed this
If you say Randy Rhoads isn't amazing, I will hunt you down (Same for Marty Friedman)Founder of Rhoads/Friedman pm if you want in..
"guitarists have a thing, where their guitar is like an extension of their penis.." well said, ozzy
#3
Quote by NGD1313
i called collect from the payphone
six blocks from your house;
thumbing the quarters in my pocket
while you decided if you wanted
what you didn't want when you said,
"don't bother/you can't fight it.
we'll burn out like roman candles
if all it takes is the right match to light it."

and still you wear me like your father
wears the lipstick stains on his collar,
a little ashamed, but too tired to bother
hiding it. i wouldn't even try.

so i came in wet
(from the rain)
stood on your porch
practicing my li(n)es.
you spoke through
the screen-door, always
afraid to get too close.
"aren't you a sight for eyesores?"
(you aren't as clever as i
make you out to be,
but i could probably say
the same about me.)
and i was/wasn't in love
with you anyway but
either way comes the dawn
and we're left feeling like
an atom bomb,
a thousand little molecules
being pulled apart
(or pushed together
i was never really sure
exactly how it worked.)

take cover.


Heh, this was fun. I liked this. I can't really critique this, in the sense that the world would or would not be a better place if you changed some of the words, if you know what I mean. I can, however, tell you parts I did or didn't like.

Second stanza's brilliant.

The way you captured the awkwardness of a teenager (immature twenty-something?) who doesn't know what love is yet, and can naively look past treacherous things, wonderful. He, as a character, was a little typical. So was the girl, in a smug, torn-fishnet, wiser-than-thou kind of way, but they both were portrayed well.

Roman candles. I figured you'd come up with something more clever than that, but it's not like I hated it.

The li(n)es thing was a little contrived. Also, I could be wrong, but this guy seems innocuous and fragile. I feel like I'd see him even more that way if he wasn't so self-aware about that.

I really liked what you did with the atom bomb at the end, but I didn't necessarily feel like it fit. Maybe a different piece, a different time.

You know, as much as I like most of what you write, I would be absolutely tickled to see you write about something that doesn't evoke images of seedy women, midwestern suburbs, and/or glum cities. I may be overstepping my boundary, but as vivid as your imagery is, I'm always seeing much of the same thing.

I'm only this picky because writing of your caliber demands it.

C4C? Either one is cool. I think one of them is probably better.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1339870
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1339151
#4
It's awkward which makes it so real. The tone is nicely set straight from the beginning and doesn't really stray at all. Which I think is a good thing, almost like a classic 80's movie.

and still you wear me like your father
wears the lipstick stains on his collar,
a little ashamed, but too tired to bother
hiding it. i wouldn't even try.


I love that, it's fantastic writing right there.

The () parts kind of threw me off a bit the first time I read it and I didn't really get it. But after a few more reads it was good. The "Take cover" right at the end really puts the punch in, well played.
#5
Really nice. Fantastic even. Roman candle imagery works brilliantly in contrast with the rain imagery. Gives the piece a visual tone that holds it together. With that in mind something about the screen door kind of killed that mood for me but it's obviously there for symbolic reasons so

I'll echo what everyone else has said by telling you that the second stanza was incredible and easily the highlight of the piece for me.
#6
I loved the () it made the uncertainty more pronounced, and i love that about this piece. The naivety is just great, because i'm sure people can relate. I'll be the broken record, and say the second stanza was absolutely genius.

While i loved both of those things, i can't exactly pin-point what makes this piece so great... But i like it. Alot. Keep it up.
#7
this was very real, some of the words stumbled but altogether it was very good.
chin up, btw... you're the only person you're stuck with your entire life, and you seem pretty lovely
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
Quote by Chaingarden
Roman candles. I figured you'd come up with something more clever than that, but it's not like I hated it.

Quote by Chaingarden
I really liked what you did with the atom bomb at the end, but I didn't necessarily feel like it fit. Maybe a different piece, a different time.


these two images are supposed to tie together.


Quote by Chaingarden
Also, I could be wrong, but this guy seems innocuous and fragile. I feel like I'd see him even more that way if he wasn't so self-aware about that.

Quote by Chaingarden
You know, as much as I like most of what you write, I would be absolutely tickled to see you write about something that doesn't evoke images of seedy women, midwestern suburbs, and/or glum cities. I may be overstepping my boundary, but as vivid as your imagery is, I'm always seeing much of the same thing.


art imitates life, it's all very autobiographical in a way.

Quote by vintage x metal
this was very real, some of the words stumbled but altogether it was very good.
chin up, btw... you're the only person you're stuck with your entire life, and you seem pretty lovely


you're a sweetheart.


to everyone else, thanks so much, i really appreciate the kind words.
#10
haha you still got it. ending was really enjoyable.

favorite thing from you lately


it usually just ends up like roman candles.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me