#1
Crit please.


Rhythmic beating upon my window sill
the sky's crying again for you
time ticks by so slow
we might as well just drown within the puddles
of the tears, from the moon.

The moon cried again last night
singing his sorrowful song
'bout times gone by
and days gone passed
tears pumping out a rhythm
trees swaying to and fro
lightning burns the sky
all because
of the tears from the moon

Light some candles
wait it out
trapped inside this lonely house
the windows shake in the thunder's wake
taking up space and time
all because
the tears from the moon

The show goes on
playing the same old song
no time for sleep
God's playing a tune
to go with
the tears from the moon
And its just for
Me and you


"And it's just for me and you" Im not sure if i wanna keep that little part, or just chuck it. Opinions please!
#2
What kind of beat are you going to use with this song?--rock,country,pop...etc
#3
Not 100% sure, i'm still trying to figure that out. At this point its kind of mindless poetry, but i was thinking something like On My Own by The Used. That was my inspiration, i guess.
#5
Rhythmic beating upon my window sill
the sky's crying again for you
I always love a good bit of personification
time ticks by so slow
we might as well just drown within the puddles
I'm a fan of this imagery
of the tears, from the moon.

The moon cried again last night
singing his sorrowful song
'bout times gone by
and days gone passed
It'd probably be good to avoid 'gone' two lines in a row.
tears pumping out a rhythm
trees swaying to and fro
I'm not sure why, but I loved these two lines.
lightning burns the sky
all because
of the tears from the moon
"all because" sounds choppy and forced in. try to find a better lead-in line if you can.

Light some candles
wait it out
trapped inside this lonely house
The internal rhymes in this stanza are quite good, as well as the imagery.
the windows shake in the thunder's wake
taking up space and time
all because
the tears from the moon
again, I would get rid of the 'all because' if possible.

The show goes on
playing the same old song
no time for sleep
God's playing a tune
These four lines don't really fit together to me. They are good lines, but putting them next to each other is just a little blah.
to go with
the tears from the moon
And its just for
Me and you
I didn't expect to like the 'just for me and you' part, but I did like it. I say keep it.

I really like this. It sounds to me like a grown-up version of the stories we get told as kids about the sky crying when it rains. If you wouldn't mind critiquing mine, my most recent lyrics are in my signature.