#1
look there are no copyrights on this it was sent to me in a forward email on a bad day i found it freaking hilarious. enjoy
for those of you that are too fat assed and lazy to read this, you are missing out on a funny story

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor . . . a three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs... I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure as my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
For a heart of ice,
a winters night is a breathless kiss,

For a heart of fire,
a summers day is a lovers embrace.

-Me-
"ohh a piece of candy!!!"
Last edited by Clockwork_Knite at Jul 19, 2010,
#2
Quote by Pleasure2kill
The truth is, Muslims never apologized for their faith having something to do with the attacks on 9/11.
#3
hmm, indeed.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Your post was the only bright spot in this disgusting piece of thread.

Quote by lexanirider78
You have balls. I like balls....(awkward silence)

Quote by SeveralSpecies
I waited for the rape.

...


...but the rape never came
#5
I dont get it
Quote by tattyreagh
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#7
if you dont feel like reading it be my guest but it is hilarious
For a heart of ice,
a winters night is a breathless kiss,

For a heart of fire,
a summers day is a lovers embrace.

-Me-
"ohh a piece of candy!!!"
#8
It wasn't that funny.


I thought the wife would mistaken it for a dildo.
I've gotten a lot of LOLs in my time but I choose not to sig them to not look like a pretentious douchebag





#10
Summarize it in one word or less.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
Your post was the only bright spot in this disgusting piece of thread.

Quote by lexanirider78
You have balls. I like balls....(awkward silence)

Quote by SeveralSpecies
I waited for the rape.

...


...but the rape never came
#11
Quote by GbAdimDb5m7
I dont get it



Don't worry. It never happened. Just another one of those e-mails making the trip around the office.
#12
fine here is your one word "funny"
For a heart of ice,
a winters night is a breathless kiss,

For a heart of fire,
a summers day is a lovers embrace.

-Me-
"ohh a piece of candy!!!"
#14
Read it before I think.
The plan was to drink until the pain over.
But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?
Who am I? I'm a titan so be expectin' a clash.
#15
either way it took me several minutes to compose myself while sitting at work half of my co-workers thought i was insane
For a heart of ice,
a winters night is a breathless kiss,

For a heart of fire,
a summers day is a lovers embrace.

-Me-
"ohh a piece of candy!!!"
#17
for those of you that actually read it and that arnt trolling was i correct in the fact that its funny?
For a heart of ice,
a winters night is a breathless kiss,

For a heart of fire,
a summers day is a lovers embrace.

-Me-
"ohh a piece of candy!!!"
#18
Quote by ryan_nadon
Summarize it in one word or less.

"BZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT"
Quote by Butt Rayge
Pretty sure Jesus was decaffeinated.


I'm just a hedonist without happiness
#19
Quote by Clockwork_Knite
for those of you that actually read it and that arnt trolling was i correct in the fact that its funny?

No. It wasn't funny
Quote by Pleasure2kill
The truth is, Muslims never apologized for their faith having something to do with the attacks on 9/11.
#20
Quote by Clockwork_Knite
for those of you that actually read it and that arnt trolling was i correct in the fact that its funny?



Not really, no.

I think it would've been funnier if she mistaken it for a dildo.
I've gotten a lot of LOLs in my time but I choose not to sig them to not look like a pretentious douchebag





#22
well im glad i made some people laugh

as for the trolls lol your stupidity is funny to listen to
For a heart of ice,
a winters night is a breathless kiss,

For a heart of fire,
a summers day is a lovers embrace.

-Me-
"ohh a piece of candy!!!"
#23
My one legged drunk dancing fat guy story was funnier. But this was good.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

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Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

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I can fap to this. Keep going.
#24
Quote by Clockwork_Knite
well im glad i made some people laugh

as for the trolls lol your stupidity is funny to listen to



We're trolls for not finding your post funny?
I've gotten a lot of LOLs in my time but I choose not to sig them to not look like a pretentious douchebag





#25
that was the funniest thing ive ever read!
Lets jump in a pool


_____________________________________________
Last edited by I am wet : Today at 03:26 XM.
#26
What exactly was funny about that? The instant he started talking about a taser, and reading hte instructions... it was a whole lot of drawing out what should be ludicrously obvious (that he's going to taze himself). The event was even described in a particularly funny way...

If you can imagine Dane Cook telling a quick story about a guy wiping out while street-luging down a hill, then spending the next 5 minutes describing the purchase of a street luge and his approaching a hill with it, then telling you how he wiped out (surprise, surprise), peppered with overexcited "OMG IT LIKE HURT, SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!" and "I LIKE TOTALLY WIPED OUT!! AND I WENT FLYING!!! AND THE LUGE WENT FLYING!!! LIKE YEAAAHH!!!!!", that's about how funny this is.
#27
you are entitled to your opinion and in my opinion the funny thing is how detailed it is
For a heart of ice,
a winters night is a breathless kiss,

For a heart of fire,
a summers day is a lovers embrace.

-Me-
"ohh a piece of candy!!!"
#29
Quote by CDubDSP
I think you forgot to post the part where it gets funny


+1. I've read it before, and it definitely wasn't funny then, more the less now.
Quote by Ace88
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#30
It was okay. I didnt actually LOL
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#31
Didn't find it funny. Hell, didn't even smile.
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
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#32
Quote by Gunpowder
Didn't find it funny. Hell, didn't even smile.

Rock fuckers never smile.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#33
Quote by dark&broken
What exactly was funny about that? The instant he started talking about a taser, and reading hte instructions... it was a whole lot of drawing out what should be ludicrously obvious (that he's going to taze himself). The event was even described in a particularly funny way...

If you can imagine Dane Cook telling a quick story about a guy wiping out while street-luging down a hill, then spending the next 5 minutes describing the purchase of a street luge and his approaching a hill with it, then telling you how he wiped out (surprise, surprise), peppered with overexcited "OMG IT LIKE HURT, SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!" and "I LIKE TOTALLY WIPED OUT!! AND I WENT FLYING!!! AND THE LUGE WENT FLYING!!! LIKE YEAAAHH!!!!!", that's about how funny this is.


^^^^^^
THIS +1
"Fools regret until they die. Forgive yourself back to life."
~The Human Abstract~

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