#1
I can live in the past and look at what could have been,
Or drop it all here and now, take a whole hold of things,
I’m sick of sitting around, just thinking what if…
What if it was different, what if they believed?
It’s about that time for me to live for the moment,
Believe in myself, it’s time that I showed them,
That I’m not gonna take it, I’m not gonna listen,
To their words, ‘cause I’ve heard it all before.

Break free of the shackles that held us down before,
We’ll meet, lock eyes, we’ve gotta settle this score,
Set the stage of the showdown, after this I’ll cut loose,
Cut off the footholds, I’ll tie up your noose,
Lost for words, cat got your tongue?
Have you finally realised that you’ve gotta get gone,
Outta my life, you’re just holding me back,
I’ve been through all this, now I’m on the right track.

This is my new direction,
It’s time I took control,
Leave all the memories, and
Turn this around…

This is my new direction,
This time I’ll take control,
I’ll carve my own path, that
Even you can’t hold.

It’s time you grew up and accepted the truth,
That one of these days they’ll all see through,
Your high and mighty stance on life, everybody feels like,
Fear’s your only weapon, and face up to it, they’re right.
It’s come to the time that you think that it’s over, but,
You never really know what’s gonna come later, so,
Get up off the floor and brush the dirt from your clothes,
Just remember that you only walk the path you chose.

A fork in the road to match your knife in my back,
There’s a twist to this plot, a code you won’t crack,
Lost in the questions, my mind is like a labyrinth,
Try and understand me, go on, take a stab at it,
I’m hot-headed and irrational, I’ll man it up and gamble,
Both our lives for ante, but you’ll be in the hearse, see,
When you made the mistake to f*ck me around,
You sealed your fate, six feet underground.

This is my new direction,
It’s time I took control,
Leave all the memories, and
Turn this around…

This is my new direction,
This time I’ll take control,
I’ll carve my own path, that
Even you can’t hold.

I won’t leave this up to chance, I’m gonna stack the deck,
I’m so sick and f*cking tired of having no respect,
So I’ll spell it out plain to the detail, what I’m saying,
But you gotta soon see this ain’t a game I’m playing.
The odds are in my favour in this russian roulette,
Cock the gun, pull the trigger, point it at your head,
Let the sparks ignite the fear in your eyes,
Your heart’s pumping faster than you can spit lies.

The venomous words that came out of your mouth,
They’d poison the earth if you shout them out loud,
All the time I trusted you, that trust was misplaced,
After all the times I stuck with you, thrown back in my face.
I’m through with being the nice guy, it’s time to let go,
Of my armour, it shows, the demon’s come through,
To get revenge on you, it’s best served cold,
Murdered in cold blood, game over, time to fold.

This is my new direction,
It’s time I took control,
Leave all the memories, and
Turn this around…

This is my new direction,
This time I’ll take control,
I’ll carve my own path, that
Even you can’t hold.

This is my new direction,
It’s time I took control,
Leave all the memories, and
Turn this around…

This is my new direction,
This time I’ll take control,
I’ll carve my own path, that
Even you can’t hold.


C4C, as always. The instrumental track is done if anyone wants it. Vocals should be recorded within the week.

EDIT: There shouldnt have been a chorus in between verses 3 & 4.
EDIT2: There should have been 2 chourses after verse 6.
Last edited by Pyrest at Jul 20, 2010,
#2
I loved it.
the verses are great.
I really felt the flow in this.
I could almost feel the beat.
The last two verses were my favorite, really digged the "f*ck you" attitude. The rhymes are set up really well, the descriptiveness and word choice of the piece overall was great.
The first two verses could use a little work though, I think.
I liked them, but they felt a bit awkward at times compared to the rest. The ending of the second for example feels a bit off to me, but I loved the "Cat got your tongue" line.


Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1339883
#3
I wrote the first two verses in a completely different mindset, I guess I decided to try and step it up a notch, take it from being stuck in the past, to getting even with your demons/enemies. Thanks for the crit.
#4
Ive read through a few of your songs already and noticed the pattern of repition that you use, and here it works especially well.

Your use of imagery is brilliant I especially enjoyed this part:

"The venomous words that came out of your mouth,
They’d poison the earth if you shout them out loud,
All the time I trusted you, that trust was misplaced,
After all the times I stuck with you, thrown back in my face"


Although, one thing that did get to me was this:

To their words, ‘cause I’ve heard it all before.

Break free of the shackles that held us down before


The double use of before from the last line of the first verse to the first line of the second first. I might be wrong in the case of reading it too fast (maybe you imagined a pause between the two verses, a solo of some sort.)

Overall this is an excellent piece and I would love to hear this performed.
#5
Firstly, you don't have six verses, you have three. They're sixteen bars each. If you put a break in between every 8 bars you're gonna have way too many short verses and it won't be a memorable song, especially because it has a chorus, which is half a verse in itself.

I like a lot of the lines individually, just not any two that come together. I really get the sense you can do loads better than simple one syllable end rhymes. I can tell you've got a good vocabulary but you aren't really putting it to use here. I would probably get bored of the flow halfway through the second verse.

There is good imagery, you just need to execute it better. If you're serious about writing rap and hip hop lyrics, listen to more rap and hip hop. Technique, Blu, Budden, Em, Nas, etc. Always think of words that'll rhyme with other words, and make it a challenge to find two lines that'll mesh up. Did you know that "victimless" rhymes with "ignorance" with a certain inflection?
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#6
Quote by Cobrevolution
Firstly, you don't have six verses, you have three. They're sixteen bars each. If you put a break in between every 8 bars you're gonna have way too many short verses and it won't be a memorable song, especially because it has a chorus, which is half a verse in itself.

I like a lot of the lines individually, just not any two that come together. I really get the sense you can do loads better than simple one syllable end rhymes. I can tell you've got a good vocabulary but you aren't really putting it to use here. I would probably get bored of the flow halfway through the second verse.

There is good imagery, you just need to execute it better. If you're serious about writing rap and hip hop lyrics, listen to more rap and hip hop. Technique, Blu, Budden, Em, Nas, etc. Always think of words that'll rhyme with other words, and make it a challenge to find two lines that'll mesh up. Did you know that "victimless" rhymes with "ignorance" with a certain inflection?


I'm only just starting to get into the rap scene, more of just a way to express myself. This is one of my earlier pieces, I feel that with my newer work, I'm progressing. I'll post some more pieces soon. I'll definately take a listen to the artists you've listed and see what influence I can draw from them though.

I've pretty much just worked out that words that wouldn't normally rhyme can rhyme if you say it in a certain way. Thankyou for the crit.

Quote by GuyFwkes
Ive read through a few of your songs already and noticed the pattern of repition that you use, and here it works especially well.

The double use of before from the last line of the first verse to the first line of the second first. I might be wrong in the case of reading it too fast (maybe you imagined a pause between the two verses, a solo of some sort.)

Overall this is an excellent piece and I would love to hear this performed.


Yeah, I'll probably revisit the ending of the first verse to change it, I think its a bit bland to be honest.
Thankyou for checking out my work, & thankyou for the crit.


If either of you have any work you'd like me to crit, leave a post, and I'll get round to doing it.