#1
It always ends up emoish!

Quote by Pull on your Heartstrings
I see your eyes glowing red
On the verge of breaking
everyday you seemed to dread
My hands are shacking

Underneath this crushing weight



As you can see, Im going in a A-B-A-B rhyme scheme, and the lyrics seem too emo. BTW, I write for a metal band, and I'm trying to do a soft song, but with heavy parts in the middle, kinda like "Tears Don't Fall" by everyone's favorite band, B4MV. I'm kinda afraid of It being way to emo. Help? Thanks.

TL;DR: My songs sounds like emo music and I need help.
NT

BE QUICK OR BE DEAD SON
#3
choice of words
the words like dread and shackes are whats making sound emoish because they sound negative
Last edited by supersac at Jul 20, 2010,
#4
no to me it doesnt.the way you would put the lyrics structure is good.it could go like a good tears dont fall type song.maybe a bit more heavy screaming and it would go nice metalish.
#5
you don't have to rhyme all the time. leave it hanging, break out of ABAB formats and just do what feels right. Really listen to how lyrics in songs you like go and you'll pick up on what makes them good.
Quote by Strato-Massacre
yeah you shouldnt have told the pit to rape your mom.

Quote by Kensai
It's not sexist, girls are just too stupid and weak to hold up doors and stuff for themselves.
#6
well, it definitly is a bit emo...
You're using denotation instead of connotation. Have better adjectives. Example: if you are describing a weak,tall person, you could say lanky, gangly or slender. slender is good; not insulting. lanky is neutral, and gangly is negative.
#7
Quote by NosralTserrof
It always ends up emoish!




As you can see, Im going in a A-B-A-B rhyme scheme, and the lyrics seem too emo. BTW, I write for a metal band, and I'm trying to do a soft song, but with heavy parts in the middle, kinda like "Tears Don't Fall" by everyone's favorite band, B4MV. I'm kinda afraid of It being way to emo. Help? Thanks.

TL;DR: My songs sounds like emo music and I need help.


As others have already said, try to break out of the A-B-A-B rhyme scheme. It's okay to have a few songs like this but make sure your music doesn't become to predictable and follow a similar pattern every time. Also when you are sticking to those types of rhyme schemes it's harder to make original lyrics imo. Notice how a lot of love songs have the same words because they rhyme. But I wouldn't worry too much about that, because from what you wrote I can tell you don't stick to the common lyrics in most love songs (love, true, heart, etc). Anyways, I'll agree it's kind of emo (Tears Don't Fall is quite emo by the way). I would say focus less on the girl (The way you are describing her at first is contributing to the emo-ness of the piece.) and more on other things. Later when you say "My hands are shaking ... Underneath this crushing weight" I consider that to be less emo that the beginning. If you can make more lines like that it would be a turn for the better I think.
#8
Ok they don't sound emo, by emo I think slit my wrist and let me die kind of shit.

But to break away from the flow you got get rid of the ab ab rhyme, and just don't try so hard on writing a love song or a certain type of song, just let it flow.

Like don't try as hard to make a love song just let whatever comes out of your head happen.

Like when you try to write any type of song they sound cheesy. Spontaneous songs are teh best kind of songs.
#9
I don't think getting rid of the ABAB rhyme scheme will help make it any less emo, it may make it better in other ways, but that's not what he's asking.

Quote by alizhilts22
well, it definitly is a bit emo...
You're using denotation instead of connotation. Have better adjectives. Example: if you are describing a weak,tall person, you could say lanky, gangly or slender. slender is good; not insulting. lanky is neutral, and gangly is negative.

I like this post, it shows you how you can take one word (tall) and change the word to make it have whatever connotation you want. So, all you really have to do is work on your word choice, and make it a little more happy (but not too happy if it's for a metal band).

You could actually use emo lyrics in a metal song and it wouldn't be to bad by the way, just have the actual music fit the genre better, and mabey just tweak the lyrics a little bit, but emo lyrics can work with metal songs.
#10
I've got an option for you if you like. message me if you like it and would like further help.

I see your eyes glowing red
Your lips shaking
You can't forget what he said
Now your breaking

Underneath this crushing weight

#or#

I see your eyes glowing red
Your lips shaking
You can't forget what he said
Now your at breaking point

Under this crushing weight (Sing so that you slow towards weight and finish on last syllable)[and you'd lead into chorus there, speeding up.]
When did harry potter get a signature guitar?

Gear:

Peavey Raptor
Fender Squire Strat
Peavey Audition Trans-tube Amp
Zoom G1 Pedal
Cort M600