#1
I could be wrong, but I feel really good about this piece. All comments and opinions are very welcome. C4C


Two moons were on the horizon that night.
The real moon hung in its usual place,
while its sister floated in the pale black of our pond.
We swam shirtless,
never looking to see if anyone was bothering to look at us.
I had never been one for religion,
yet I bore witness to God’s glory,
in the curve of your face and the lines of your legs.
Electricity and water were finally allowed to mix as I loved you until the east was on fire.
#2
I think you're right, that is a good piece.
The only comment I really have is this;
I had never been one for religion,
yet I bore witness to God’s glory,

This line doesnt really seem to flow after the previous lines. You're talking about the moon and swimming shirtless, and then that line comes along and doesn't really seem to fit. I like the idea and I think I know what you mean by it, I just don't think it follows on too well.
So come on in
it ain't no sin
take off your skin
and dance around in your bones

#3
I like it also.

I like the "two moons" imagery, though I might be tempted to draw a distinction between the reflected moon being "just for us" or something like that - I think "real moon" could use a more descriptive word than "real".

I think the "never looking" line is a bit long and conversational for my tastes, but I like the idea.

I do like the shift in topic that ICOG mentioned, I think the transition sounds good (maybe with a nice chord change if it's meant to be a song).

Good stuff.

C4C
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1338855
#4
Quote by CaptMorgan
I could be wrong, but I feel really good about this piece. All comments and opinions are very welcome. C4C


Two moons were on the horizon that night.
The real moon hung in its usual place,
while its sister floated in the pale black of our pond.
We swam shirtless,
never looking to see if anyone was bothering to look at us. this line, for me at least, kinda seemed to get in the way of the flow. maybe try "if anyone would bother to look at us" instead?
I had never been one for religion,
yet I bore witness to God’s glory,
in the curve of your face and the lines of your legs.
Electricity and water were finally allowed to mix as I loved you until the east was on fire.
strong closing man, the last four lines are gold. i dig it.


You were right. this is a pretty damn good piece my friend. great imagery, flow was pretty solid. good read.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1339760&highlight=memory+remains

if you would. i look forward to reading more pieces by you
#5
Thank you all for the comments. I see what you're saying about the shift in topic. I probably could have pulled that off a little better. Also some of the word choice isn't as good as it could be. Just some things I need to improve on I guess.

I'll crit your work when ever I get a moment to really sit down and read them.

Leave me a link if there's anything you want me to look at ICOG.