#1
C4C

You told me your lines, yeah you had me good
I almost thought that you and I could
You're holding onto me like I'm something to keep
You're saying all these things that you don't mean
Like how you wanna stay by me and never leave
But you're gonna break my heart while I'm asleep

Tell me what you're thinkin', tell me everything
Oh tell me what you're feelin' and I'll tell you the same
The walls are caving in and I think it's okay
I thought I heard, I thought I heard you say
That you wanted me this way

Oh I swear, I swear by the way that you stare
That your eyes don't move but they cut through the air
And oh, they cut through me
They cut through me
(x2)

Gold hair, green eyes girl you know that they're there
That line shines bright girl you know that they stare but I don't
I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't
Quite know why you give me the time of day
Why you walkin' so close, why you walkin' away?
Away, away, away, away, go away!

Oh I swear, I swear by the way that you stare
That your eyes don't move but they cut through the air
And oh, they cut through me
They cut through me
(x2)

Yeah with eyes like blades
Take me away
(x2)
Last edited by lespaulsg09 at Jul 20, 2010,
#2
Chorus is excellent, don't change a thing!

First verse, the last line doesn't quite make sense to me, it seems like the last line is meant to be the truth, rather than the thing that's being said - I might change "how" to "but". I think "right in my sleep" is a bit of an awkward phrase, maybe "while I'm asleep" or something like that might be be better for flow.

Second verse, great, especially the end "wanted me this way".

Third verse is my favourite for sure, especially the first line.

So, not much bad to say about it. Keep it up! What kind of style is it meant to be?

C4C
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1338855
#3
I agree with you on the phrasing of the last line in the first verse. I couldn't quite decide on how to say it, but I like the way you put it better.

It's sort of a Bloc Party-ish style so that the tempo is a bit dynamic throughout the whole thing. I'll get right to a crit for you though because I deeply appreciate it.
#4
Quote by lespaulsg09
C4C

You told me your lines, yeah you had me good
I almost thought that you and I could
You're holding onto me like I'm something to keep
You're saying all these things that you don't mean
Like how you wanna stay by me and never leave
But you're gonna break my heart while I'm asleep
only thing i see here is the second to last line. like just seems to be thrown in there and it doesnt really need to be. it's minor, no big deal

Tell me what you're thinkin', tell me everything
Oh tell me what you're feelin' and I'll tell you the same
The walls are caving in and I think it's okay
I thought I heard, I thought I heard you say
That you wanted me this way
real solid verse. it opens strong ends strong. i dig.

Oh I swear, I swear by the way that you stare
That your eyes don't move but they cut through the air
And oh, they cut through me
They cut through me
(x2)
i definitely dig this part. dont change anything

Gold hair, green eyes girl you know that they're there
That line shines bright girl you know that they stare but I don't
I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't
Quite know why you give me the time of day
Why you walkin' so close, why you walkin' away?
Away, away, away, away, go away!
In my head the repetitive lines break up the flow but if put right into a song it probably works out just fine.

Oh I swear, I swear by the way that you stare
That your eyes don't move but they cut through the air
And oh, they cut through me
They cut through me
(x2)

Yeah with eyes like blades
Take me away
(x2)


I like how the piece closes out. Overall it's real solid. Keep it up.

If you could..check out the memory remains in my sig. thanks homes!